And we leave it all behind
Can’t you see we need some time?

at a camp i attended junior year, they would play The Woods by Hollow Coves a lot near the end. it just, made sense. it was winter. we were sleeping in tents outdoors. at meals, we would gather around the heater and melt into the homeliness that seems impossible to find in ten days. a few tunes from this song take me back. huddled up in our coats, the last day when we were leaving, all with heavy hearts. we didn’t know if we would see each other again, and for the most part, we didn’t. we still wish each other on birthdays. usually.

i only have vague recollections of my summer before college. i wasn’t really doing anything but also, doing so much. if i began to write everything that needed to be done, it would fit into a nice and concise paragraph or a cute Notion checklist that i customize, but practically, it was all over the place. the many trips to the embassy and the photo booth and the vaccination centers and all kinds of shops, the preparation takes over your entire summer, especially if you are not careful. i was not. 

spread sparsely among the logistics are friend meetups and family gatherings—the goodbyes, but not really because every time, you think there is still a lot to get done, there are still weeks, and then, days left. 

at some point, it hits you. the leaving. oh, the leaving. bitter or sweet, it is always heavy. 

my thoughts were torn between the excitement of what was coming, what to expect of it, how i was failing at expecting and on the other hand, the deep, deep sadness of leaving everything behind. my home, my family, everyone i knew, my country, my culture, my language, everything. i was terrified, terrified that i would never be able to come back. metaphorically or literally. when i return, it wouldn’t be the same. i wouldn’t be the same. and the yearning to be in-place will forever stay. i will always be leaving.

once i was in the airport, once i was past where i could look back, once i had left, i was fine. 

i boarded the plane when it was time, and flew to Doha and made it through my layover to my next flight and made it to Logan. i passed through customs. i reached MIT. everything was fine. 

Ab tere bina yahan meri saansain
Jaise bina nindiya ki raatain hain to 01 Translation: without you here, my breaths //are like nights without sleep

Baarishen by Anuv Jain will always remind me of August and rainy evenings staring out my window on the seventh floor, looking at Kresge. and writing my first leaving poem. and the scent of that oddly specific humidity. i don’t talk to my old roommates a lot. when i enter McCormick, i still think about those nights. it is the place that kept me through my first hurricane and my first week away from home.

in the beginning, campus was quiet, still plagued with post-covid summertime silence. it was scary. when i laid awake at night, i could hear bikes racing by on Memorial Drive. and a moisture hung in the air that kept me company. getting to Killian Court felt like the most-unsolvable puzzle.

soon enough, people started trickling in. i met my GRAs⁠02 Graduate Resident Advisors and the Heads of House. international orientation started. the about-hundred of us gathered in Walker Memorial for some events, shuffling through classrooms where we had taken other Zoom sessions. a smaller group took the Red Line train to Porter Square. we went up the many, many stairs and reached the bigger-than-Central Target. we ran around collecting essentials and running over confused to our Orientation Mentors, asking the most basic questions, about laundry detergents and soap dishes, cross-referencing it with how things worked back home. it was pouring when we came back. 

later, my roommates arrived. Abby C. ’25, someone i talked with on the McCormick group chat and who was in the same pre-orientation program as me, also came. we walked to Newbury Street together. i walked all the way across the Harvard Bridge for the first time. we talked like we had known each other for a while. 

just as the FPOP⁠03 first year pre-orientation program ended, orientation and REX⁠04 residential exploration started. then, campus was really bustling. i went to a lot of events, meeting so many people. i moved into a different dorm, went to advising meetings and chose classes for the first semester. 

and just like that, the leaving really, really ended. i was so caught up with the shiny-sparkly-always-happening life at MIT that I was no longer homesick. only a few weeks after i got to MIT, i said that one of my favorite things about MIT is that i never know how my day will go. it never goes the way i plan. i kept doing more, or less, but different things. this stabilized a little into the semester, and in later semesters, but for the most part, i would still say yes to many spontaneous plans, which has given me some of my fondest memories and closest friends. 

Na pooch parizaadon sey yeh hijr kesay jhela hai
Yeh tan badan to chalni hai aur roh par bhi chalay hain 05 Translation: don't ask from the beautiful, of the suffering of this separation OR don't ask of the suffering of this separation from the beautiful//this body is wounded and soul, too, has blisters

i watched Parizaad freshman spring. it was a Pakistani TV show about a person who is constantly trying to prove himself and find himself at the same time. he grapples with the struggles of growing up poor and the circumstances he is put through, while trying to find fulfillment for the poet inside of him.

i had fun watching it because in addition to the plot, the writing was really good, but more than that, it was the only Urdu i heard outside of calling my parents.

i did not skip over the homesickness part. i was very miserable at times. perhaps, because i did not have a huge adapting curve at the beginning, there were a lot of where the hell am i moments, even months after. the hallways in my own dorm would haunt me. i did not call it home for the longest time. in fact, i was fascinated and envious of others who did. it just seemed impossible that this random room in this random⁠06 the housing process at MIT is not random, but in the larger scheme of things, it feels right to call this random building could be home. it also felt like a huge declaration that came with the guilt of leaving my home, wanting everything back home to stay the same, then finding a new home. 

at the same time, i kept finding people who let me explore who i was. who let me change and stay the same. i kept having conversations that made me feel like i had known the person for a long time. i started to, hold on to your hats, like that random building i was too scared to call home.

it hurt so much to leave home the first time. it, still hurts so, so much to leave my home. but, it also hurts when i leave MIT. i can promise you it will become so incredibly hard to leave MIT, if not the first year, then the second. it is a long and winding road. it looks different for everyone but it leads you home. 

And it’s fine to fake it ’til you make it
‘Til you do, ’til it’s true

Snow on the Beach (feat. Lana Del Rey) by Taylor Swift reminds me of cooking in the Tang Hall kitchen and looking out my window, amazed by the heart-shaped puddle. January was fading away in a dramatically white haze. the coldest days that winter. when i would come back from everything, i would walk past Next House to Tang Hall and it would stretch infinitely far. almost every night, i would layer up and walk over later to 4W, like it was home.

there is so much beauty and so much to become a part of once you let yourself. just by being involved with the communities around you, going to events and talking to people during and after, even if it is a bit nerve-wracking at the beginning, you can find a feeling of belonging so pure that it washes away the guilts and doubts and fears of the leaving and the trying to find new places and the forgetting and the remembering and the jumping headfirst into this brave, new adventure.

went to The Eras Tour and over-thought, over-analyzed, over-felt every moment of it // dyed my hair purple // watched Qala a little too late and cried a little too much // cut my hair way too short // didn’t regret it // caught up with old friends // dressed in pink to watch Barbie! with my sister // screamed to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) // talked about the Vault tracks, the lyric change, the production, the music video for ‘I Can See You,’ everything // screamed to BLACKPINK with my other sister // clowned for, anticipated and saw the 1989 (Taylor’s Version) announcement on a livestream in my bed // made Spotify blends and endlessly scrolled through travel reels // cried and cried // 

happiness of celebrating girlhood // celebrating art and uniqueness and strangeness // acknowledging the complexities of motherhood // lifting the curtain off an artist’s life // being brave enough to face the ugliness // finding complete love and trust // moments of deep reflection // recollections // connections // pure excitement // shallow happiness that takes over you // completely // talk to me now // make me believe in beauty now // cry and cry // 

i love being a girl // let me be // 

1. Documents

I expect that MIT has already sent you your I-20 forms. I also expect that you either have a date for your visa interview soon or have already had your interview. If not, please get on that as soon as possible. 

Keep signed copies of your I-20, your letter of admission and proof of funding on you when you travel. You will need them. And of course, your passport. 

I only talked about travel-related and international-specific documents but there will be some forms that MIT asks you to fill out by specific deadlines throughout the summer so stay on top of your emails and check the Orientation slack so you don’t miss any of these deadlines.

2. Everything Medical 

Stay on top of your medical information card. There can be different requirements for tests and vaccinations for different countries so check those out for your own country and get vaccinated and tested accordingly on time. 

If you are using prescription medicines, try to find a doctor who could communicate in English or at least keep the prescription in your native language. Find a PCP⁠07 primary care provider at MIT Medical and get a new prescription made as soon as possible. There can be restrictions on what you can carry so it is best to plan ahead to avoid any difficulties.

3. People 

Reach out to people who might be able to help you around campus. I got in touch with the Pakistani students at MIT and it helped me a ton. I was able to get advice while choosing a dorm and Ashhad A. ’23 also helped me get from the airport to campus, which I am still very, very grateful for. 

In addition to that, also join your class discord and/or other group chats. Because we have somewhat similar experiences, it is easy to just stay in the international student bubble. Although that itself is an incredibly diverse group of people, international students only make about 11 percent of the MIT undergraduate population. So, you don’t want to be missing out on getting to know most of MIT by just staying in that bubble. Joining class group chats can help a lot with that!

4. Weather

Compare your local climate to Boston’s climate in terms of how hot or windy or humid it is and pack accordingly. You may want to pack some lighter clothes but also be prepared to layer up for the winter. If buying winter clothes poses a financial burden, there are resources at MIT that help you with that, which are outlined on the ISO website. The same presentation also gives recommendations on what to get and where to get it, so if you want to hold off on getting heavier winter clothing and buy it once you get to Boston, that is definitely a possibility. In fact, a lot of people do that to avoid packing lots of things.

5. Electronics 

Look into whether your chargers and other electrical devices fit into power sockets and outlets in the US. There are usually two plug types, one with two flat pins or one with two flat pins and a grounding pin. You may also need voltage converters. There is a Target close to campus, where you can buy extension cords and other things you use, but you might still want to pack power adaptors for your phone and other necessary devices for the first couple of days.

Another thing that I experienced, which I think should be a relatively isolated occurrence, was that the carrier frequencies used by US network providers were incompatible with my phone⁠08 it was a Huawei so I was phone-less for a week or so and had to buy a new phone.

6. Getting to MIT 

Make sure to get your flight tickets as soon as you can! You should also look into how you will get from the airport to MIT. MIT ISO has a very helpful video on this linked here. They might also send more information on this, so check for emails from them. Keep in mind that you will likely have several luggages so plan accordingly.

7. Money 

Make sure to convert some money into USD and keep it on you. The airports I was transiting through also accepted dollars, which was useful. Regardless of that, it will be useful to have some money on you before you are in the US so you don’t have to immediately worry about getting it converted from whatever local currency you use. 

8. Food

Make sure you know what you are doing for food the first couple of weeks before semester starts. If you are arriving right in time for international orientation, you will likely be able to access a dining hall for brunch and dinner. If, for any reason, you are arriving earlier, you will have to sustain yourself until international orientation starts. It would be good if you have a vague idea of what you are doing. For example, you will realize that a lot of things in the US require you to have a debit or credit card. You will need it for your Uber and UberEats⁠09 or other food delivery apps accounts, so do not rely on getting your first meal off UberEats. You will probably also need a SIM card for creating accounts and/or for using most delivery services. MIT will give you a SIM card with your international orientation packet during check-in so cross-check your arrival dates with those times. There is, however, Wifi available throughout campus so you should be able to contact your family or friends before you acquire your own SIM card.

If you are struggling to find food, talk to upperclassmen⁠10 around your dorms, your Residential Peer Mentors or your Orientation Leaders or actual adults.⁠11 Your Area Director and Graduate Resident Advisor are real adults that you will be interacting with around your dorm. They are also there to help you! They will hopefully be able to point you in the right direction. There are also resources listed here for food insecurity or other emergency financial difficulties.

This list is, of course, not perfect and I might have missed things, so be on the look out for emails from the Office of the First Year, Housing & Residential Services, Division of Student Life and the International Students Office. Also, check the Orientation Slack semi-regularly for updates on deadlines and use it to get your questions answered. Your Orientation Leaders are another resource you can use even before you get to campus.

(P.S. Shoutout to Eldar U. ’25 for suggesting additions to this list! Also feel free to throw questions in the comments.)

although I was happy with how fall turned out in the end, I was miserable for the first half, both because I was physically unwell for a huge chunk and because I had a lot on my plate. dropping a class definitely helped but I knew I wanted to go into the next semester differently. I didn’t re-run for the Next House exec election. I promised myself I wouldn’t take 18.906⁠12 Algebraic Topology II or some other crazy math class that I was definitely not ready for. but, that was about it. my only threshold was to not be super mega unready for the classes I was taking. 

so, after a pretty full IAP,⁠13 Independent Activities Period I took 68 units on top of a 12 unit class on Listener⁠14 this is similar to audit status. you have access to all the course content but you do not need to do any work for the class or take any exams and you do not get a grade. (which I ended up dropping pretty early on), working >1 jobs and multiple extra-curriculars.

1. 18.702: Algebra II

this was my only math class this semester. I took it mostly because it would help me when I take algebraic geometry or more algebraic topology. the class is divided into three parts, covering representation theory, rings and an introduction to Galois theory. 

I definitely spent less time on this class than I needed to. the representation theory part still eludes me the most. I feel like I will need to watch the lecture videos or read the book like three more times to fully understand it. 

the professor for this class was really good. I did often feel that the class demanded a certain level of mathematical maturity and went at a pace faster than I could keep up with but the professor was clear in his explanations and was passionate about the content. 

2. 8.04: Quantum Physics I

I really like the professor for this class. he was really nice and accommodating, but was sometimes too smart for me to understand him. we didn’t have lecture recordings available until the end of the class but watching MITx videos after lecture helped me with understanding a lot. 

I didn’t do that well in the class but had a good experience. a bunch of my friends were in the class and collaborating with them made the experience so much better than it would have been otherwise. I also had a mentor for this class, Pam S. ’23, who was so smart and helpful. Zimi Z. ’25 and I would be asking the stupidest of questions and she would answer us patiently and helped us so much through so many conceptual gaps.

3. 6.1210 (6.006): Introduction to Algorithms

I took 6.006 for real this time and it was a much better experience than last semester. In lectures and recitations, I felt like I was thoroughly understanding the content and was able to solve problems a lot better than last semester. I started working with Julia L. ’26 and my roommates Jenny and Nora B. ’25, who turned out to be an incredible pset group. we worked really well together and I ended up learning so much from our discussions. I didn’t do as well on the final but I do not think that was very reflective of my learning in the class so I don’t care about it that much.

whether I know people who are in the class was not normally a factor for me while choosing classes, so the key realization from both 6.006 and 8.04 was how useful it can be to have good people to work with.

4. 5.111: Principles of Chemical Science

I finally took chemistry, yay! I first met Julia in my 5.111 recitation but then we also started working on 6.006 together. the class went well for me! the pace was reasonably fast but I had seen some of the content before so it was fine overall. who knows, maybe I will take 5.12⁠15 Organic Chemistry I if I have the chance! 

5. 21L.487: Modern Poetry

I took Modern Poetry this semester. I took the class with Katherine L. ’24! She is the local literature genius⁠16 the class anthology, some would say so it was an honor and a pleasure. 

the professor for this class knows so much about literature and poetry. I found the class structure to be very different from 21L.004,⁠17 Reading Poetry the only other literature class I have taken before, but it was a good way to read new things that I know I wouldn’t read otherwise. 

6. 12.409: Hands-On Astronomy: Observing Stars and Planets

and the best for last! both the staff and the students were so nice and passionate that the class itself became a great community. the class taught me to use telescopes and cameras for low-light photography. at the end of the class, every student collected a portfolio out of the pictures they had taken throughout the semester.  

oftentimes, before our Wednesday night lab sections, I would think to myself that I am too tired to be out in the cold for 3 hours, but whenever we would get out observing, I would forget everything else. it has definitely converted me to become an Astronomy minor! 

pinwheel galaxy! this is one of the images I requested to be taken remotely from the MIT Wallace Astrophysical Observatory

star trails

taken from the roof of building 37

i took this with my phone, i'm so proud

Previous Next

7. UPOP: Undergraduate Practice Opportunities Program

the last two units came from UPOP Team Training Workshop (TTW) and UPOP for the Spring. I felt slightly out of place for Spring milestones because I knew I didn’t want to apply to an internship for the summer but TTW was fun regardless. it was very hectic but I had a great team and a great mentor. I also got to talk to another mentor who was really nice and gave me very helpful advice. 

in the fall, I felt that the classes I learned best from were the ones I poured a lot of time into, which is not surprising but I guess I realized that it takes me more time than the average to gain something useful and lasting out of the class. I think when I was planning this semester, I was looking forward to a relatively chill semester. I could not have been more wrong. if I could have put just a little more into 8.04 or 18.702, I would have gotten a lot more out of those classes. my advisor would always tell me that you do the best math when you have time to breathe and time to think. the enticing variety of classes and limited time you have at MIT, again and again, forces you to take up a lot. I don’t think I had time to breathe last semester or think deeply about anything I was doing. looking at the next semester is again a struggle. I want to take fewer classes, so I can explore more than the required around those classes but, I also want to take a lot of classes, all of which sound so interesting. I am trying to find a balance that lets me take fewer classes, some that help me get requirements out of the way and some completely random ones that I just want to take.

my two main extracurriculars for the spring were being Treasurer for MIT SAAS⁠18 MIT South Asian Association of Students and Housing Chair for DormCon.⁠19 Dormitory Council throughout the semester, I always felt completely out of breath. I felt that I could be contributing a lot more if I had more time.

we had two big events for SAAS this semester, Eid and Holi, for which I was writing a ton of funding applications and helping out with prep before and during the events. we also had a bunch of other exciting events, out of which I could only go to a couple.

DormCon had to deal with a lot of different things and though I tried my best, I could have been there a lot more than I was.

I had been able to keep up my pace of writing a poem a week for the entirety of last year. this spring, I wrote three poems, out of which two were unfinished. I barely wrote on the blogs. I had close to zero creative energy the entire semester, which was also a reminder of how much space I personally need to be able to think clearly and write cohesively.

I continued TAing for 18.03⁠20 Differential Equations with ESG,⁠21 Experimental Study Group, a first-year learning community which was super fun! my office hours were right before the pset deadline so a lot of people would show up. I am not TAing at ESG next semester but will hopefully re-join at some point in the future.

in other random things, I went to SAYI, which I wrote about here.

I taught a Spark class about plants with Katie K. ’24, who is the local plant genius! Spark is one of the programs run by ESP that CJ and other bloggers have blogged about in the past. It is a weekend long program where MIT students run a lot of different classes for middle school students. I had a lot of fun planning the class with Katie. we first came up with a rough plan of how we wanted to spend our budget, how we wanted to organize our time and choosing a hands-on activity. we then made slides for the class and ran through them a bunch of times. teaching the class was also really fun. we ran two sessions, and organized the class into two parts: the first half being a presentation about weird and cool plant facts; the second half was the activity. we bought pots, soil and different types of seeds and had the students pot their own plants to take away. the second session especially was very involved and asked a lot of questions and contributed a lot of different stories.

during some 6.006 lecture, Nora and I started talking about Turbo, the snail from Turbo, the animated movie and we decided to watch it some time after 6.006 psetting. this turned into several, usually impromptu movie nights, all of which were absurd animated movies, that were really fun to watch. 4W⁠22 four west, my wing in Next House used to have Friday movie nights at the beginning of last fall but it completely died out apart from the occasional Mamma Mia showings. I really missed having those so having these movie nights was a really good way to relax and just chill in the lounge. hopefully, we will continue this more frequently next year!

in terms of student performances, I went to see the MIT Shakespeare Ensemble production of Julius Caesar. Prajna N. ’25 was producer this semester for the show and Kelsey G. ’24 was front of the house manager! I also went to see the Asymptones concert, where Alan Z. ’23, Silu S. ’24 and Arthur D. ’23 were performing. it was also Alan’s birthday that day so we got to wish them mid-show. I also went to the Asian Dance Team’s showcase where Jonathan H. ’25, Z C. ’25, Maggie Y. ’25, Dora H. ’25, Jamie, Derek, so many people were performing! it was my first time watching an ADT showcase and it was incredible! there was a mix of very mellow and very loud songs, but they balanced each other pretty well. it was very loud throughout though, but that mostly meant the crowd was very energetic.

I also went to the CMSW⁠23 Comparative Media Studies and Writing undergraduate theses readings to see Alan read their poetry thesis! I had seen the poems before, but it was really cool to see all the poems come together into a larger work of poetry. I also got to listen to other people’s theses and everyone’s work was so cool!

I was on campus during spring break and did not have much planned so I worked desk a lot, did my taxes and caught up with a lot of people. Prajna, Jyotsna N. ’25, Margaret Z. ’23 and I had a lowkey Taylor Swift listening party in the McCormick West Penthouse which was really fun! I watched Kabhi Khushi, Kabhi Gham with Prajna and Jyotsna, which is supposed to be one of the old Bollywood classics but I had never watched it before. I visited the Harvard Art Museums with Zimi and we ended up roaming around their Science building afterwards. it was not their spring break so we saw a lot of students going to classes and working so we got to rejoice in their misery. I also went to Portland, Maine with Alan, Jonathan and Lynette C. ’24. We drove there around 6 in the morning and came back around 9. We went to the Portland Museum of Art. In addition to their permanent art collections, which were pretty cool, they had an Art in Bloom exhibition going on, spread throughout the museum.

from the harvard art museums

from the portland museum of art

from Art in Bloom

taken somewhere on twin peaks island

Previous Next

CPW⁠24 Campus Preview Weekend is always a very energetic time around campus! this time, Jenny and I were also hosting a pre-frosh, which was very exciting! I went to the academic expo to help out at the ESG booth, stuck around at the SAAS CPW event, then went to Holden M. ’25’s concert, literally back-to-back. Holden is super talented and I was sitting very close to the front, so I actually could see him play and it was really fun! I hoped to go to more of the Emerson Scholars⁠25 a program that funds MIT students for private musical study concerts after that but didn’t get to go to any others. later, I went to the Meet the Bloggers event, where we got to meet a bunch of pre-frosh and have very good pie! I also went to NACT⁠26 Next Act, a Next House club that puts together a musical production every CPW. to watch the play/musical that Alan wrote in three days, literally insane. Silu,⁠27 forever the main character Katie, Paolo A. ’21, Ashhad A. ’23 and other Next House people were acting so it was really fun to watch everyone. maybe, I am biased because poetry is my favorite form of writing but I could tell that the writer of the play also wrote poetry and I mean that in a very good way. the play was light-hearted at times but also dealt with very complex emotions, all in very beautiful ways.

I went with Nora to a poetry reading by Ross Gay! I read his book be holding for my poetry class in the fall and I loved it. he ended up reading an essay about cover songs from his book Inciting Joy and it was so incredible. not just the work, but his energy is so straightforward and kind. the way he reads the work also adds something extra and it was an honor to listen to him read!

speaking of honors, I also got to go to Gilbert Strang’s last linear algebra lecture! I have never even had him as a professor but it was so touching to be there and hear him talk about his long career and relationship with MIT.

I stuck around for a little bit after finals week so I had some downtime before leaving campus. I went to New Jersey to the Taylor Swift concert with Prajna and Jyotsna and since I can’t talk about that in moderation, I will simply not talk about it. when I was not away, I played a lot of mahjong in the 4W main lounge and watched some assortment of things, including the first Harry Potter movie and a Very Potter musical. I also volunteered for commencement! I was at the info desk at the advanced degrees ceremony for the School of Science. I ran into my 8.04 professors there, which was really nice! the other volunteers were also very nice and we were all getting really happy and excited watching the graduates and their families, who came from all over to attend the ceremonies.

every semester teaches a new lesson about how to make decisions for the next one. I am halfway done with MIT and I still do not know how to MIT very well.

with the multiple pset deadlines every week, often coupled with other commitments, it really feels impossible to get everything done sometimes. but, you get through it. every week. you take extensions, you get help. or you don’t. but, you get through it. I have heard MIT students post-graduation say that one of their key takeaways from MIT was a sense of courage and belief that things will get done, no matter how impossible it seemed in the time being.

I have realized that I don’t want to just get through it. I don’t want to be miserable the whole time for this lesson. I ascribe so much value to the process that even if I end up with a good score or a great project at the end, it will not feel worth it if I was sad and angry the whole time. I do not like waking up with IHTFP being the first thought on my mind.

so I am not going to choose to be overly miserable to get something done. I am going to simply, gasps, fail. one of the most detrimental things you could do at MIT is determining your self worth based on how much you are doing. there is usually a lot to do but there are ways to make it a little easier or a lot harder for you. oftentimes, it boils down to your ego and out of all the things to consider, that, in my opinion, is the stupidest way to choose to not drop something. I am not going to choose to pat my ego over my happiness, which is already very hard to choose in places where productivity is so highly valued. I am relearning to find meaning in the way I approach things. I put a lot of thought into everything I do and that usually means I cannot do a lot. but even the small things mean a lot to me. the point is not to fill up every waking moment with something productive or to finish everything you start. my friend Jonathan says there is always tomorrow. I don’t believe that. 

everything will not get done is a very humbling realization. it feels like I am losing a core part of why I belong at MIT. but, I do not think any of us are here because we can do the impossible. I do not think we are expected to break our backs to try to fit some image of what an MIT student is supposed to be like. I think we are mostly here because we cared about things and we will continue to care even when things don’t get done. in a completely academic context, a lot of the classes I have taken still feel unfinished and open, not because I have actual work for them but because I care about the content and want to learn it at a deeper level. so, maybe feeling like things are unfinished is not that bad. the lack of closure is also an expression of care. this is not to say that the alternative implies you do not care. what I am trying to say is that completing tasks and reaching goals is not the only way to measure care or success.

yes, there will always be regrets. because there will always be care.

with every shard of grief, 

and every speck of beauty, 

it is as though with this overwhelming pain and love and beauty,

i have never felt anything before, 

but i am not feeling anything right now 

a lot of the times, i am my first invalidator. it is easy to justify happiness for being happy but not sorrow for being sad. i would be feeling overwhelmingly sad and decide i am being ~cringe~ and that it is not a big deal. but to pull out of the details of the context and think, do i really need to list out everything going wrong to feel sad? why is it that i don’t feel entitled to sorrow?

the first thought is that growing up, i came up with this defense mechanism of choosing to be happy, even when things were going wrong. i didn’t want to be sad because there was the fear that if i allowed myself to be sad, i would always be sad. then, somewhere along the way, i lost ownership of sorrow. 

my last words stifle in the knots of my throat,

so i knew i was never to write

every feeling of sadness is overshadowed by the question of whether i am entitled to feel sad, whether i have reason enough. it is weird to say that even sadness is a rich feeling. 

i am still a proponent of choosing to feel happy. it helps me deal with stressful situations more calmly and clearly.  i am still a proponent of not taking myself too seriously. it helps me be embarrassed, and be cringe, and be myself, and care a little less about what i don’t (or shouldn’t) care about. it helps me ground myself in the truth that if i zoom out enough, this will not be as big as it seems. 

but this does not have to nullify any part of any experience. just because i am calm in a situation does not mean it is not a stressful situation anymore. just because something isn’t ~a big deal~ in the long run, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be a big deal to me right now. it is just that when things are going wrong, having that awareness helps me get some clarity and hope. 

i am just as entitled to sadness as to happiness. there is no justification needed. i can simply wake up and ~decide the sky looks sad~ and toast to its sadness. when there is something that is actively stressing me out, i can allow myself the opportunity to be sad. i can be a nuisance to myself and take up space. i can treat myself as more than a productivity machine, grinding problem sets after another, making sure i am really learning, making sure everything is in place. i can let everything around me slip and then catch it back. 

when i suffer great loss, i can allow myself the opportunity to celebrate the grief. i can weep and scream and sigh until i no longer can. i can stop everything in my life for this great blue and then, when i feel less of it, i can allow myself the opportunity to stop. reflect. and catch new joys. 

the joys after a sorrow need not be overshadowed by guilt. you being sad, being unrecoverably sad, does not lose you entitlement to happiness. 

i can allow myself the opportunity to make every sorrow and every following happiness and every normal day and every big day a big deal. 

in fact, most of the point of life is that everything is a big deal. 

wouldn’t it be heartbreaking if at the end of this beautifully broken life, we find that we never saw anything well? 

then, let us drown, quiet and untroubled, into the depths of this brave, blue sea. the last we will remember of us is our smiles, and isn’t that all? 

recently, i have found myself succumbing to this belief of an end — this beautiful, shining trophy past everything that is now. in some world, i would graduate from MIT, and go to graduate school, and become a professor somewhere, and then get tenure, and then, life will be okay. or in a different world, i would graduate from MIT and get a high-paying job and then, life will be okay. and so on. there has been an increasing sense of trying to control my life and how the future unfolds because uncertainty is scary and it is valid to want to guide how the rest of your life goes and it is valid to want financial security and professional success.

but i believe that no matter how much i plan and decide, in the end, what happens, happens. yes, it is okay to plan but it is also completely okay to crumple up a thousand plans and trash them and make new ones. 

and then, the more important feeling is that, really, there is no end. the want to progress is innate to human nature. there will always be something new to do. if the ‘everything is okay’ phase of life is pushed past everything that ‘needs to be done,’ it might never come. with every trophy, another one comes into sight, the glimmer of each one more alluring than the previous. 

to me, true, constant happiness is an illusion. what i really want, what i really want to stay with me, is peace. and then hurdles will be okay. and feeling occasionally awful will be okay. and failing and losing will be okay. this begs the question, how does one even define peace, let alone, find it? today, i feel, the only answer is that the more you learn to become yourself and live with yourself, peace will find a way into your life. it will define and announce itself. 

happiness is a more fleeting concept. it is this high energy, excited state, which is great to be in, but eventually, it will wear out and you would go back to the ground state. 

and so, it doesn’t make sense to run after this glorified image of what happiness is, but taking in the joy of these fading moments. perhaps, just the fact that it is so fleeting makes it so precious. it is like the dandelion flower you plucked. one wisp of air and it is gone. and it is beautiful. 

when i walk past the river, i will race it, 

i will fail and give up, 

when i walk on grass, 

i will feel feeble melancholy,

who would ever walk on roses,

when i walk past the field, i will walk in crooked steps

to not step on the fallen leaves, 

i will pluck a leaf from a bush

(i will claim it called to me)

and bring it to another 

today is the tenth snow of winter, 

i will try to eat it, 

when it falls on me, 

i will claim it loves me, 

in my hands-on astronomy class, we are learning to be more observant of the night sky. every Wednesday, we go up to the roof of the building and mount our telescopes and configure our camera, but in the end, all we do is we look at the sky. it is a beautiful feeling. it is beautiful to think that humans looked at the night sky and stared long enough to draw things out of the glimmering stars. it is beautiful to think that the human brain came up with scales and models that estimate the universe incredibly well. it is also beautiful, to just, look, to forget the value and the science and the history. beauty doesn’t require literacy. or thought. it only asks for you to look. 

the truth is, happiness is perhaps the most welcoming feeling in the world. it is everywhere. there is happiness in beauty and in loss. in all the things that happen everyday. joy breathes in the same air as you. there is joy in rusty old jokes, in sparkling new friendships, in boring work, in exciting discoveries, in careful music, in unkempt laughter, in that fried egg i want to eat tomorrow and in the cup of chai i drink every day. any or all of this is enough to fill a man’s heart. 

rinse, repeat.

rummage around your heart, find a cause,
take all the grief, put a ribbon on it,
shoot it with raging arrows of anger.
if you breathe out ashes, ask yourself
why you insist on breathing in fire?
when you are past easy, made-up
answers, ask yourself again.
this time, trust not us,
especially
not
if
we
sing of
broken hearts.
if true happiness exists,
it is waiting for you to jump out
of your nightmare to dawn’s peace,
resting on wounds like dew on roses.
it waits for you to be eager, to let go of
the meteor in your fist, accept warmth
as the perfectly bright future, and
let waves of breath-taking hurt drown in it

Reputation

This was the first Taylor album that I started really listening to and liking last summer. It is still my favorite album and I stand by the claim that it has no skippable songs.

• Ready for It will never not be a banger opening song.
• I also really liked the I Did Something Bad, Look What You Made Me Do and Don’t Blame Me vibe of songs. The live performances for these songs were incredible but also empowering for Taylor, which is really cool.
• In poetry, I find it really impressive when people can advance a narrative while still maintaining the poem aspect of the piece. Getaway Car seems to have a story and I think it is really cool to tell a story through a song. ⁠28 in today’s episode of fatima discovers musicals (no but this is different yep)
• Delicate is a really good one. The music video is also very fun to watch.

I think the love songs on this album are all really good. Someone said that Reputation is not an album about revenge but really, finding love in dark times and I never thought about it like that before. 

New Year’s Day is such a mellow end to this album that is sometimes loving and sometimes vengeful but mostly always loud. 

You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi 

I can tell that it’s gonna be a long road

I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe 

Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home 

HELLO???

Favorite Songs

Delicate, Don’t Blame Me, New Year’s Day

Lover

Lover was the second album that I started listening to. This album has an overall happy, soft, purple-pink (but in a good way) feel to it. As a writer, it always seems like great tragedies are worth writing. I find it easier to write sadder pieces but I don’t think I have ever done justice to a happy piece so I really appreciate this album for discovering beauty in happiness, sometimes in the most mundane of things, for being golden, like daylight. 

• Cruel Summer was my most played song last year and what about it. I would scream its bridge (for whatever its worth) every day.

The love songs on this album called Lover are, of course, all so beautiful. Lover itself is such a beautiful song. I love when she uses very overused phrases in her songs in some clever way.

In Lover, she says ‘my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.’

In The Archer, she says:

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men 

Couldn’t put me together again 

‘Cause all of my enemies started out friends 

which is such a CLEVER reference.

• Paper Rings, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, Death By A Thousand Cuts are all so different and so good in their own ways.
• Special shoutout to Cornelia Street because I’D NEVER WALK CORNELIA STREET AGAAAAINNN.
• I have heard a lot of hate on The Man, You Need To Calm Down and ME! but I personally don’t dislike them. Probably not the best, but still pretty good!
• Daylight and Afterglow are weirdly intertwined but also different IDK. In a sense, the lyrics to Afterglow are very straightforward but it draws its strength from that. It says things which are difficult to say very simply and clearly.
• On the other hand, I really don’t like False God and London Boy oops. Soon You’ll Get Better is also pretty so-so.

Favorite Songs

Afterglow, Cornelia Street, The Archer

Underrated 

I Think He Knows

(I discovered this song through this Lavender Haze x I Think He Knows mashup) 

folklore

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die. with my calamitous love and insurmountable grief. folklore arguably has some of Taylor’s most beautiful lyricism.

• The cardigan, betty, august trilogy goes back to the idea of telling a story through song but now that story is being told through three different perspectives in these three songs. If I had to rank them, I would probably do betty > august > cardigan or august > betty > cardigan and everyone is gonna come for the cardigan hate but I swear I like it, I just like the other ones more, sobbing and crying. 
• I slept on the 1 for a very long time but I have come to really like it. It also ties with hoax, the last track on the album really well. The transition from 

But it would’ve been fun

If you would’ve been the one

to 

My only one

My smoking gun

My eclipsed sun

This has broken me down

But also, this AAAAAAA

Stood on the cliffside

Screaming, “Give me a reason”

Your faithless love’s the only hoax

I believe in

Don’t want no other shade of blue

But you

No other sadness in the world would do

• peace is so underrated but one of my favorites off folklore. Like yes, would it be enough if I could never give you peace? would it? would it… I should write my close reading paper for my Modern Poetry class on this song. 
• mirrorball was one of my most listened to songs last year too. When talking about this song, Taylor says, ‘We have mirrorballs in the middle of a dance floor because they reflect light. They are broken a million times and that’s what makes them so shiny. We have people like that in society too. They hang there and everytime they break, it entertains us. And when you shine a light on them, it is this glittering fantastic thing but then a lot of the time, when the spotlight isn’t on them, they are just still there up on a pedestal but nobody is watching them.’ She mentioned that this song references its time very explicitly. It references the canceling of her shows at the beginning of the pandemic and how she felt that she still had to do something to keep people around.

And they called off the circus

Burned the disco down

When they sent home the horses

And the rodeo clowns

I’m still on that tightrope

I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me

I’m still a believer but I don’t know why

I’ve never been a natural

All I do is try, try, try

I’m still on that trapeze

I’m still trying everything

To keep you looking at me

• illicit affairs and invisible string are also some of my favorites.
• exile always feels like a conversation to me except neither person is being heard which is so heartbreaking.

All this time

I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)

I couldn’t turn things around (you never turned things around)

‘Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs, so many signs

You didn’t even see the signs

• the lyricism in my tears ricochet is so poetic! instead of saying words, i will just cite (yes, this is very technical) some of her lyrics. 

We gather stones, never knowing what they’ll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you (when I’m screaming at the sky)

And when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

You turned into your worst fears

 

And you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years

And you’re cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

Favorite Songs

hoax, illicit affairs, invisible string, mirrorball, my tears ricochet, peace, this is me trying 

(this is three songs, right? right? modulo 4 yep!) 

evermore

i had a feeling so peculiar that this pain would be for evermore.

I was such a folklore is better girl and Prajna N. ‘25 told me I had bad takes and that I was a disgrace to humanity (I might be paraphrasing that, just a little bit). I started listening to evermore at some point and every song is so beautiful. In its essence, it is a sad album but every song is a different color of sad. Here is a fun(ny) reel to watch.

champagne problems is the story of breaking someone’s heart, tolerate it is about continuously giving in a relationship just to be tolerated in return, happiness is about collecting yourself to find perspective and well, happiness after losing a relationship, coney island is about realizing someone’s value after you lost them, marjorie is mourning the death of a loved one.

It is also a very strong album in terms of its lyricism so as a poet, I am obviously a fan.

• Now, to put on my literary critic monocle, starting with ivy! 

How’s one to know?

I’d meet you where the spirit meets the bones

In a faith forgotten land

In from the snow

Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow

Tarnished but so grand

And the old widow goes to the stone every day

But I don’t, I just sit here and wait

Grieving for the living

Just this beginning stanza is so poetic. Another one of my favorite lines is ‘My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand.’ 

• Then, Taylor really breaks my soul in two with coney island. It seems to have the same conversation format as in exile but is a lot more murky in that I really can’t tell who was in the wrong. Noteworthy lyrics:

The question pounds my head

What’s a lifetime of achievement

If I pushed you to the edge

But you were too polite to leave me?

 

Do you miss the rogue

Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there?

Will you forgive my soul

When you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care?

 And when I got into the accident

The sight that flashed before me was your face

But when I walked up to the podium

I think that I forgot to say your name

• tolerate it is one of my favorite sad songs. It feels deeply intertwined with peace in some way I can’t really place. 
• willow is very different from all these sad songs but is such a classic and the music video is so good!
• both the bonus tracks are also incredibly good. just the transition of i am right where you left me to it’s time to go is so witty. 

Favorite Songs

coney island, ivy, tolerate it

Underrated

evermore, gold rush, right where you left me

1989

Given that this might be her most famous album, I came around to it really late. Most of the songs on here are really good. Even just Welcome to New York, it is like listening to a kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats.

• You have the classics Blank Space, Style, Shake It Off, classics for a reason. 
• Wildest Dreams was one of the first Taylor Swift songs I really liked and still is one of my favorites.
• My friends have started making this joke off All You Had To Do Was Stay and started saying All You Had To Do Was Slay which is incredible.

Favorite Songs

Clean, Wildest Dreams, Wonderland

Criminally Underrated 

How You Get the Girl, I Know Places, I Wish You Would, New Romantics

Midnights

It was one sad Friday night as I grinded for my 18.701⁠29 Algebra I midterm that the clock struck midnight. And so, I continued to grind but put on my headphones (and burned no one’s city) and started listening. To be very honest, I was very unimpressed with most of the album at the time.
The next day, I woke up to seven bonus tracks being released, the 3am edition. My first favorites off the album became High Infidelity and Midnight Rain. Soon enough though, I started to really like Maroon, You’re On Your Own Kid, Sweet Nothing, Paris and Dear Reader. Two new favorites are Snow On The Beach and Karma. 

Here is a fun Maroon reel to watch! 

Favorite Songs

High Infidelity, Midnight Rain, Sweet Nothing

Red (Taylor’s Version)

It feels so stupid to say that I was kind of skeptical of this album at first, but there are so many good ones here. I will totally not make more categories. 

• All Too Well (10 Minute Version). Need I say anything else.
• Holy Ground makes me want to spin like a girl in a brand new dress.
• Nothing New is such a beautiful song talking about the insecurities of a young adult growing up and the fear of becoming uninteresting.

Classics 

All Too Well (10 Minute Version), I Knew You Were Trouble, We Are Never Getting Back Together 

Favorite Songs

Holy Ground, Nothing New, The Very First Night

Criminally Underrated 

Forever Winter, Message In a Bottle 

Speak Now

SPEAK NOW TAYLOR’S VERSION WHEN

(P.S. if you haven’t watched the 2011 Live version of Haunted, it is LIFE CHANGING. haunting and enchanting at the same time.)

Also, if Taylor plays Long Live on tour, I will die, dead, deceased.

Favorite Songs 

Haunted, Long Live, Sparks Fly 

Fearless (Taylor’s Version)

I have not aggressively listened to Fearless but there are, of course, the classics Love Story, You Belong With Me, Forever And Always and I also like a lot of the From the Vault tracks.

Favorite Songs

Mr. Perfectly Fine, The Way I Loved You, Untouchable

Taylor Swift

I have not listened to a lot of songs on Debut either but I like the ones I listened to. 

Favorite Songs

Our Song, Should’ve Said No

Friday 2/10/23 

1:45 pm – Bhuvna M. ’23, Neil M. ’25, Sarah S. ’24 and I meet in front of McCormick to head to South Station to catch our bus to New Haven. It is very sunny and warm; naturally, everyone is in a very good mood. 

2:15 pm – At South Station, we are looking around to figure out what station our flixbus leaves from. Realizing our confusion, someone walking by tells us the gate number and asks if we are going to Yale. It is one of the people from Harvard who are also going to SAYI. We walk over to the gate and are already excited at the prospect of meeting all the desi people we will at this conference. 

2:30 pm – The bus leaves from South Station. We find an empty row and take the four seats. For a while, we talk about different things: classes, extracurriculars, how excited we are for the weekend. We also meet someone from Wellesley here.

At some point, Neil and I both fall asleep. Sarah and Bhuvna are still talking. I wake up with the worst neck ache ever but it eventually goes away. 

5:25 pm – Welcome to New Haven! It is more windy and cold than the sunny, deceptively warm Boston day we left behind. We part from the rest of the people and call an Uber to get to our Airbnb.

The Airbnb is really beautiful. It is a cute 2 storey house with 4 bedrooms and a small lounge area and kitchen. We excitedly go around the entire place and express great excitement over the light in the bathroom mirror.

look at us and our fancy bathroom mirrors

6:13 pm – We walk to St. Thomas More Chapel to get ourselves registered. The excitement has not worn out. New Haven is a beautiful college town and we are all for it. Neil points at signs that fascinate him as we look around to find places to eat dinner.

"look at that sign, it's so funny"

"that sign says the place 2 be, but with the 2"

Previous Next

6:26 pm – We register and get Shan Masala merch (arguably the most important part of the weekend). They are one of the sponsors so they have goody bags with some of their masalas and custard! 

At the same time, after failing to reserve at the Indian restaurant nearby, we decide to go to a Thai place. 

6:45 pm – We are waiting for our food in Basil Restaurant. I ordered the Indonesian Mee Goreng noodles and a peach boba. 

The place is really good. The food and portions are great and the person helping us is extremely nice. The peach boba is almost like a slush. It’s different but I love it. 

We decide to go to the Barnes & Noble we saw on our way. We look around for a while, Sarah and Bhuvna get Yale merch and we head back to the Airbnb.

look, yale, stuff

so much merch

alexa, play peace and the 1 and illicit affairs and...

stay smart this season!

Previous Next

8:20 pm –

cute iron

After getting to the Airbnb, we all work until 9:30 and then I start ironing my clothes for the Banquet tomorrow with Sarah’s cute little iron. It is really small so it takes me a long time to get them in a reasonable shape. Sarah teaches Bhuvna some dance moves as Neil works on his 6.031⁠30 6.102: Software Construction readings.

Around the same time, we put on a movie on the TV. The movie is not great but the commentary is, so we are all having fun! 

10:37 pm –  We order Taco Bell and boba from T-swirl Crepe. Some insightful commentary along the way from Bhuvna and Sarah: 

‘Men are temporary. Money is for life.’

‘I hate Asha.⁠31 the main character Why does she have to suck?’

11:52 pm – We’re watching Indian Matchmaking. One of the people invited to the conference is Sima Taparia from this show and since I have not watched it before, I must catch up before I meet her. We put up an episode from the second season and immerse ourselves in this incredible piece of media.

12:30 am – Everyone gets ready to go to bed.

1:28 am – So much has happened in the past couple of days that even though I am tired and desperately want to go to bed, my brain is a jumble of thoughts. It feels like a stereo is playing; on one channel, I can hear ‘Hey yo, Westerburg’; on others, I am thinking about literature and the books I need to get for my class, general existential thoughts, my 8.04⁠32 Quantum Physics I problem set and drafting this blog post. At one point, I become aware that I’ll write this in the blog and then start thinking about the different ways people imagine and how it is visual for some people and not for others. At this point, I am scared I’ll forget all of this in the morning so I pull out my phone.

I check my discord and for some reason, Matthew H. ’25 thinks it’s okay to send me math at 1 am. Inconceivable.⁠33 Yes, that is a Princess Bride reference. What can I say, I'm a sucker for happy endings. Yes, that is a Heathers reference.

Saturday 2/11/23 

8:16 am – I wake up and start to get ready for our panels in the morning. 

9:26 am – We leave for breakfast. Ananya G. ’23, Deekshita K. ’22 and Mitali C. ’24 just got here so we are trying to find them before we leave. They miss the street and we can’t figure out the lockbox so after a little bit of confusion, Neil just sprints down the street to find them. The rest of us choose food over Neil and leave for breakfast. He lets them into the Airbnb and catches up with us. 

9:50 am – After walking around the entire building trying to find the correct entrance to the Science Building, we find that the closest entrance to us was actually the correct one. We get bagels for breakfast, which was a good throwback to when I was here during the fall for quizbowl and had the exact same bagels. We head in for the Opening Keynote with Sal Khan, who is expected to join virtually. As the moderator introduces him and says that he went to MIT, we all cheer and everyone is looking at us. It is pretty funny. 

doesn't that look like the green building, but brown

BAGEL

Previous Next

Here, we also meet Maisha P., who graduated from MIT in 2021 and is now at Yale for graduate school!

Sal Khan has some emergency so he is unable to make it and we start heading out to our first panels. 

11:44 am – I am at the first panel for Mental Health and Queer Identity with Neil, Deekshita, Ananya and Mitali. The panelists are all very cool and doing great work in their respective fields. 

We talked about how intergenerational trauma, immigrant and refugee experiences and language barrier are key reasons for the stigma surrounding mental health in South Asian communities. The fact that there are no clinical words for depression in Urdu and Hindi is frankly, very scary. People fail to communicate what they are really struggling with because they don’t know how to accurately translate their feelings in a way where the medical professionals, who have not been trained or seen similar struggles, understand them effectively.

First gen people often struggle with cultural conflict. Inside your home, you are ‘very desi’ and ‘very white’ outside which means you are essentially living two lives. This can be very confusing for people who are trying to understand their identity. 

There was conversation on how a lot of South Asian communities had, although not perfect, a more open understanding of sexual orientation and gender, which were taken away during the British colonialism era and the Victorian ideals of what gender and sexuality need to look like. 

12:53 pm – Mitali and I walk over to Costa Pizza to meet Sarah, Bhuvna and Shreya R. ’24 (who just got here) for lunch. We talk about our thoughts on the panel and have a great conversation as we get there.

We talk about our respective panels and have a quick lunch before heading out to Battell Chapel for ‘Up Close with Sima Taparia.’ There is a moderator asking panel questions from her and also asking some audience questions that they had collected beforehand through a Google form. 

2:10 pm – We meet some people from Brown and hang out with them for a little while before heading for our next sessions. Bhuvna, Sarah and I head to Sheffield-Sterling-Strathcona Hall for the Arts and Entertainment panel. At one point, Sima Aunti walks down and Bhuvna just yells “HellOOO” and we all cheer again.

All the panelists are really talented. The creative director and co-founder of Rastah,⁠34 Rastah is a Pakistani urbanwear brand that aims to authentically represent South Asian stories through fashion and support and uplift the artisans who are involved in the process a Broadway actress,⁠35 Shoba was Princess Jasmine in Aladdin, Eliza Hamilton in Hamilton and Nessarose in WICKED a writer,⁠36 Annika Sharma, writer of Love, Chai and other four letter words an actor,⁠37 Anirudh Pisharodhy, Des from Never Have I Ever Season 3 and the co-founder of Product of Culture⁠38 POC is an initiative that amplifies brown artists and initiatives were there. They talked about their respective journeys and struggles in art and entertainment. After the panel, we got pictures with Anirudh Pisharodhy and then headed back to get ready for the banquet. 

we’re so cute :pleading face:

5:59 pm – It takes us about an hour to get ready and we head to Omni Hotel for the banquet. After one of the organizers speaks for a little bit, there is a fashion show. While the rest of the people are sitting down, all of us MIT folks are standing and dancing and cheering loudly. After the fashion show, Gurbir Grewal and Archana Jain gave keynote speeches and later dinner was served. 

8:00 pm – After dinner, people start dancing to the music playing. At first, we are just dancing at our table but later form a circle near the cluster of other people dancing. We keep planning on leaving but every new song breaks our resolve. 

8:51 pm – After we get back, people share their thoughts on some of the panels during the day. We watch a movie review for some really bad movie and leave for Chai after Dark. 

10:37 pm – To our extreme disappointment, there is no chai at Chai after Dark. We debate leaving to get coffee, then come back and after a lot of indecisiveness, we decide to stay. We watch the performances put up by Yale’s Bhangra team and individual performances and leave.

11:30 pm – Deekshita, being the queen she is, offers to put henna and I look through designs. She and Ananya brought a lot of nail polishes and other nail art supplies, so people are just hanging around, talking and doing nail art. During this time, there are a lot of good conversations and interesting stories going around. We are here for a while.

owo

4:00 am – A bunch of people leave to go to bed but six of us are still here. We play hot seat, which essentially meant going around asking people questions for 2 minutes. except there was an actual hot seat. except not really. it’s a cushion on the floor. 

5:00 am – We have finally retired for the day.

Sunday 2/12/23

9:20 am – Given how early (yep) we went to bed, I woke up around 9:20 and others are also waking up and getting ready around this time. We check out of our Airbnb and walk over to a Tropical Smoothie Cafe nearby for breakfast.

10:44 am – We eat breakfast with all of our stuff just in the cafe. I got a Sunrise Sunset smoothie and a quesadilla. The only notable thing here is that they were playing Lavender Haze and then Anti Hero (no, I’m not obsessed with Taylor Swift). After breakfast, we split up to go to our panels on Caste, Colorism and Gender Violence, and Supremacy Politics. 

12:30 pm – I had planned to have lunch with Zayyan N. ’25, one of my friends from Pakistan who goes to Yale so we meet up after the panel. I wanted to try their dining halls so we go to one for lunch. We catch up on classes, extracurriculars and general semester things. He is taking a bunch of computer science classes and Chinese and is also ULAing⁠39 which I assume means Undergraduate Lab Assistant for an introductory programming course taught in Racket.⁠40 a programming language I was not aware of  

After lunch, we walk around campus. Like the last time I was here, the big library that kills you if there is a fire Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library is closed over the weekend but Zayyan points out the architecture, which involves large ‘windows’ of translucent marble and granite to control the temperature inside the library by reflecting and absorbing suitable amounts of sunlight.

breathe deep

We walk around to the Wellness Center on campus. It has a lot of technology-free areas, study spots where people are working, spaces to nap but most importantly, as a sign points out, ‘Hydration Stations,’ which, to me, is a really funny way to describe water fountains. We walk over to Silliman, the dorm that he lives in, and wander around the basement, where the game room and buttery⁠41 dorms at Yale have late night eateries run by students are. We check out the Acorn Cafe on the top floor. It seems pretty full, there are people making smoothies, people working and as Zayyan shows me, there is a sandbox in one of the rooms. Incredible.

2 pm – I walk back to meet up with the rest of SAAS again. Unfortunately, my phone dies on the way and I am so smart, I walk right past the building I was supposed to go to but thankfully, there is a kind Yale student who helps me find it. People ordered food and are eating lunch in one of the rooms. We are to leave for Union Station in about an hour. 

3:28 pm – We are at Union Station. We run into the Harvard people again! 

union station

3:54 pm – We are on the train back. The group got slightly separated but I am sitting close enough to Sarah, Neil and Mitali that we can occasionally talk. I start working on this blogpost and send the document where I am drafting this into our group chat.

4:34 pm – After asking Sarah, Neil asks me, ‘Who’s Candace?’ very cool.

6:18 pm – We have arrived at South Station. We take the Red Line back to campus and guess who we see on the train. The Harvard people again! meant to be

~7 pm – I am back at Next House!

My goals for the conference were to find a place to begin to think about identity, spend the weekend with a lot of desi people and get to know people on SAAS board with me better and I think I got all of that! There were a lot of diverse desi people, I got to spend a lot of time with all the cool SAAS board people (my queens (gender neutral)) and found a lot of conversations, at the very least, thought provoking. 

There is a lot to do, a lot to think about and a lot to decide but seeing all the successful panelists living happy, fulfilling lives managing their different identities in a beautiful way, convinced me that I could be happy too. There is a future where I could be thriving in my community, where I am accepted for whoever I choose to be and where I don’t need to convince anyone of the authenticity of my identities.

:pleading face: :pleading face:

Andrew L. ’24: pokemon quiz. nike. just do it. 

and general existentialism. 43 he is also taking the Chinese calligraphy class where you get to learn different strokes, characters and styles and also learn about the history of Chinese calligraphy. you make Chinese reading cards and there is a final video project presenting a character.

Eldar U. ’25: My IAP is split in half: I was at home before January 14th, and on campus afterwards. I got my cavities filled before coming back, and jumped into the middle of action upon my arrival. Since then, my life has been a hectic whirlpool of UROPing, housekeeping, and working Next House Front Desk (all while doing basic self-care too). I like IAP for the good kind of a chaotic mess that it is – I have freedom to bump into friends and have random conversations for hours, help with IAP production of Heathers by MTG,⁠49 Musical Theatre Guild, one of the theater groups on campus, that performs musicals and learn firsthand what it is like to Screw Up (the get-broken-glass-into-an-expensive-microscope kind). IAP is all about doing stuff you “never have time energy motivation discipline” for, and that is pretty cool B-)

Giuliana C. ’25: For my IAP, I took a class called “Spanish Incubator” that takes place in Madrid, Spain! The instructor, Margery Resnick, taught us so much about Spanish literature, history, and organized extracurricular events like a flamenco workshop (ole!) and eating the best patatas bravas in Madrid :)  I was a bit scared taking the class at first since it was mostly seniors and I didn’t really know anyone, but it turned out to be so much fun! I also got to practice my Spanish with locals, my homestay senora (she was the sweetest), and my roommate Emily (who I made watch the Rosa de Guadalupe with me). We traveled to other cities like Barcelona and Sevilla which were beautiful and it was great being immersed in another culture.

Hector C. B. ’23: Howdies, Héctor here. 

Ok, so to begin with, I’m kind of a senior, so despite my history of taking too much over IAP, I wanted to focus on what really matters: math. Wait, I meant neuro. Wait no, I meant people, final answer. You’ll edit that later, right? That’s why when I originally signed up, I just signed up for my UROP, went home, and had a relaxing time. But then I saw an email for a really cool class, and was like: “1 class can’t hurt, right?” So I signed up. I then saw another email, and was like “Bet!” Then, I saw another one… Anyways, worry not, I’m only at 4 classes right now and a friend says it’s okay as long as I keep it below 5 . 

Okay, so now that we have that non-sense out of the way, what have I been up to? 1) UROP! I’m with the Seethapathi Lab and in just a few short weeks, we’ve leveled up my trajectory modeling from finger motion, to walking motion [in progress]. Technically, I’m just getting a stick figure to “walk”, but we in the research world like to call it “state of the art, world class research”: it’s all about mindset . From somersaults, to diving, to an impressive 5pi/3 split, I’m low key worried my stick figure has already outclassed me, but hey, all in the noble name of the AI takeover 2) Class. *end here* 3) Chillin’ TM. As mentioned, I’m kind of a senior and may leave MIT this year, which is wacky, so I’m trying to make sure I have a fun ending . This being said, I consistently rank as an SSS tier introvert, so this has in part just been me figuring out that I can reach out to others too (*shudder*), and having fun. I’m still figuring out the details, but I think if I keep at it for a few eons, I’ll start getting the hang of it. In the end, let’s just have fun :). 

Katie K. ’24: I am taking a class, 16.810: Rapid Design and Prototype, divided into groups which are designing an air filtration and heating system for a car cabin. That is the second and third weeks of IAP for me, all day.

I am UROPing, playing in Heathers, doing the poetry workshop⁠50 Alan Z. '23 is running a winter poetry workshop where we meet twice a week and discuss our poems. and sometimes, cooking with people. 

P.S. also playing Dungeons and Dragons. I am hoping to play Portal at some point but it doesn’t seem likely.

Keita A. ’23: I’m a senior, and I’ve taken this IAP to do something that I haven’t spent much time doing these past 4 years — absolutely nothing. Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much. I spent the first week or so of IAP at home wrapping up some driving practice, and after (finally) getting my drivers license (a minor miracle), I came back to campus and have been lazing around since. I know some people find the idea of sitting around and doing nothing excruciating, but I have to say I am pretty good at it… don’t ask me what my screen time is though.

Lynette C. ’24: I am trying to steal quog⁠51 out of the four frog plushies in our lounge, Lynette is particularly attached to one and is always willing to snatch it if it is in your possession and doing a UROP involving transcription in embryonic stem cells. I am also trying to learn Japanese and playing the new Genshin update (read: thirsting over Alhaitham).

Prajna N. ’25: I’m actually in London this IAP! I’m taking a class that involves the literature, history and literary figures  in London: 21L.591, aptly called ‘Literary London’. As a result, I’ve been visiting quite a few picturesque bookshops, watching amazing plays(notable mentions include a production of Titus Andronicus at the Globe(if you have read Fatima’s previous blogs, you know by now that I am somewhat fond of Shakespeare), and an Agatha Christie play set in a courtroom), and drinking lots of tea-some of which I’ve brought back for Fatima to try! Although I do miss being on campus, it’s been wonderful to completely immerse myself in a subject outside of STEM for once, something that’s been a little hard to do within the MIT bubble. I’ve also been trying to do some of my UROP work from last semester and keeping up with club activities, so all in all it’s been a busy but fun time.

Prologue

January 16, 2023

04:15 [0 miles from home]

There is absolutely no reason that I should be awake right now. In less than 3 hours, I am supposed to leave Next House for Kendall Square, to ride the T to South Station, to take a Concord Coach Line bus across state boundaries to Salem, New Hampshire, all to finally walk 34 miles back to where I started. I have been told that a good amount of sleep is critical for such adventures, but instead, I am stressing over the fact that I have not checked the checkboxes that probably should have been checked yesterday nor answered questions that probably should have been answered yesterday, such as: Do I know where to board the Concord Coach Line? How will the weather be on the walk? What should I pack? How will I survive?

Long walks  – explicitly, not runs – have always been my thing, especially since last year. During my first-year fall semester, some friends and I walked to Salem, Massachusetts (17 miles), almost reached Plymouth, Massachusetts (around 35 miles for our route – we actually only got to Kingston before it became too dark), and completed the Boston Marathon route (26.2 miles). I am no athlete, but my primary motivation has always been to test my own physical limits, and it is always nice to spend some good time with friends and admire the many wonderful sights outside of Boston. And best of all, the walk inevitably results in a very good story.

This long walk is very different. One, I do not have someone else to walk with. Alan Z. ’23 (another one of the bloggers of all time) dropped out last night because Mystery Hunt went long.⁠52 thank you teammate for writing impossible puzzles Two, as I learned when I checked the forecast, the previously predicted weather of clear skies will instead be mostly snow, in fact nearly 3 inches, for the first half of the walk. Three, even if it did not snow on the day of, the temperature will still be near freezing, and much of the ground conditions will be icy. Though wearing boots will be necessary due to the cold, in practice they limit ankle flexibility and don’t have enough traction to secure footing on ice. 53 I have now been recommended to wear boots with microspikes. Four, as I learned when I checked the time, sunset will coincide with the portion of the walk in Middlesex Fells, which is a beautiful nature reservation on an ordinary summer day, but a desolate nightmare of barren trees for a traveler on a winter’s night.⁠54 thank you calvino I do not really have a plan for how to navigate the reservation at night – I have shelved it as a concern for when I reach there.

Despite all of these bad reasons that would easily make this journey the most reckless series of events I have ever done, I have a few good reasons to go on the walk. I had already been planning something along these lines for the previous semester, but in standard MIT fashion, I ran out of time. IAP offered a good chance to take some time for myself, especially after dropping two classes. I was also looking to earn the bonus achievement of an interstate walk at some point, and New Hampshire is the easiest state to choose. 55 In fact, I know someone who has completed this walk before but under much better springtime conditions. The original plan would have been to walk to New Hampshire then take the bus back, but due to the shortened bus schedule on MLK day, the only viable option was to take the bus in the morning then walk back. This change lost nearly two hours of valuable sunlight, but there was no other option. 56 To be clear, there were plenty of other options, including not going on this walk. I simply refuse to acknowledge them.

I begin packing some necessary things: an extra long-sleeved shirt, an extra pair of pants, three granola bars, and hot water in a thermos. My roommate (Andy!) is still asleep, so I try my best to not wake him up.

06:30 [0.0 miles from home]

My alarm rings – thankfully, I fell asleep at some point looking up where exactly the South Station Bus Terminal is. As I take my earplugs out (necessary accessories when living in 3 deep), I am reminded that I am not the only one awake right now, though the people who are not really trying their best to speak softly are probably going on an opposite journey, the one where you go to sleep. I run through my mental checklist again – the one thing I seem to have forgotten was a paper copy of the route, which I print out to the first-floor printer.

The question of what to wear is extremely important. Because increased flexibility and decreased weight makes the walk easier, the optimum is to wear the lightest amount of clothing that stops you from freezing. Luckily, I allotted just enough time to run one test experiment to approximate this optimum: my first setup was definitely insufficient, but with the wooliest socks I could find and an additional hoodie, I can feel nothing, which is the best feeling to have when the outside temperature is -2°C.⁠57 A recent conversation: 'We use Celsius because we’re real scientists.' 'Wouldn’t real scientists use Kelvin instead?' I take a picture of the Cambridge River, the first of many pictures. The sidewalk outside Next is icy, but hey, at least it’s not snowing yet!

One day I will learn that my thumb is not meant to cover the lens.

07:56 [3.0 miles from home]

I finally find the South Station Bus Terminal: you have to walk along the train lines to some unassuming door on the right hand side, then go down one set of stairs, then climb another two sets of stairs, and finally, you find this random parking lot full of buses, one of which I board. I am one of the last ones to board (thankfully the warning of “first come first serve” did not affect me). The bus is filled with some people already asleep, some people who are drowsing to sleep, and some people who seem just as worried as I am (for what? I don’t know).

The bus engine revs. We are about to leave, and I am about to fall asleep.

08:39 [33.9 miles from home]

Because Salem is not the last stop for the bus, I considered setting an alarm to wake myself up in case the bus would not stop for long. I did not set the alarm, probably because I had already fallen asleep by the time I would have concluded that setting an alarm would have been a good idea. The conductor thankfully yelled out right before we arrived, so I woke up anyways.

The bus stop is not so much a stop as it is a random highway exit. As I deboard with a few others (most of the passengers are probably heading to Concord), I am greeted by the smell of gasoline and the sight of a perfectly white parking lot. The cars have all been here at least overnight – probably people who live around here take the bus down to Boston for some obligation, so they park their cars here during their stay – and some of the people who have deboarded have begun de-icing the windows of their cars.

I take a few pictures, reveling in the fact that I have reached another state, though due to no work of my own. In just under 40 minutes, this bus has taken me from home to the middle of what seems to be nowhere, and over the rest of the day, I need to take myself back home. I take a deep breath: the game is about to begin.

Look mom, a new state!

You're really trying to convince me that this is a town.

Previous Next

If you would like, follow along with the original planning document and the Google Maps route.

1. Denial

09:20 [31.4 miles from home]

I am now walking on the Salem Rail Trail, after having escaped the town of Salem,⁠58 what a game if you can even call it a town. The trail is a beautiful straight path covered with around two inches of overnight snow, which makes it not so beautiful for walking. But it is beautiful for the eyes, and it is even better because in many places I have been the only one on the trail the entire day, if the snow tracks are to be trusted. To the left are small buildings that line the rural zone between New Hampshire and Massachusetts, and to the right is simply wilderness. I have passed by arrays of trees with lonely branches and frozen ponds filled with cattails wearing snowy hats; everything is very lonely and very white. I can only imagine what this wilderness would look like in the summer. At some point on the trail, I cross back into Massachusetts (interstate speedrun complete), though I never learn exactly when.

I have a disproportionate number of pictures of random things earlier into the walk than later, probably because I am more energetic and not yet afraid of snow getting on my phone.

one of the more interesting houses

the MacGregor wind tunnel feels a lot longer than I remember

the first of many quaint bridges – I really feel like that is the best adjective

three more miles of this!

Previous Next

09:45 [29.9 miles from home]

The Salem Rail Trail has given way to the Methuen Rail Trail, where Methuen is the first new town that I encounter on the walk. At this point, I think I have passed by more dogs than people. Zigzagging dog tracks are everywhere, and every once in a while, a friendly stranger walks by with one (or two (or three (or four)))⁠59 that's not Scheme dogs – do dog paws not feel cold? So far, everything is still beautiful, though one concern has slowly risen: my feet are beginning to hurt. And that is really strange, bad, and a whole other company of negative adjectives, because I am only four miles into the 34-mile walk.

To be clear, I did (somewhat) train for this trip. Aside from the first-year walks, I have not walked any distance significantly greater than 10 miles, but every day, when I have the energy, I do try to focus and walk at a meaningful speed. Four miles per hour⁠60 Generally, we (as in Google Maps and I) take 3 miles per hour to be the resting walking pace. is the gold standard for focused walking, though I have been trying to push my normal pace above four miles per hour. Things definitely have not hurt after four miles of walking though.

This does not bode well. But it is okay. I am 10% of the way there, and everything is still beautiful.

Today I learned most dogs have five toes on their front legs and four toes on their back legs.

rare non-frozen pond

one more mile of this!

not to be confused with mass rapid transit or mitochondrial replacement therapy

Hopefully the only bear I see all day!

Previous Next

10:11 [27.7 miles from home]

I have reached Lawrence. This town is the textbook definition of New England: the brick buildings that were once textile mills clash with the copy-paste, wooden, three-floor apartments. There are more frozen rivers with quaint bridges, which does help, though it all still feels pretty monotonous. Lawrence is more urban compared to Methuen or Salem, which means there is finally sidewalk. I thank everyone who has woken early to shovel snow off the sidewalks – my feet have not been having fun at all. Having taken zero anatomy classes, pseudo-anatomically, I outline my current theory for why walking on ice and snow has been so painful. Most of the joints that matter when walking, such as your ankles, knees, and hip joints, are ball and socket or hinge joints, which permit rotational motion. Ice and snow force you to find your best footing mainly through translational motion. Translational motion and rotational motion do not mesh.

lie #1 of the trip (This is on the very outskirts of Lawrence.)

lie #2 of the trip (It's 10:11 AM at the time of taking this photo, exactly.)

cool bus

cool ducks

The river water was going so fast that I remembered the no phones on bridges rule, so I backed up a few steps to take this picture.

Previous Next

10:59 [25.9 miles from home]

Three separate signs have let me know that I have reached Andover. I am nearly at the first stop on the trip, denoted McDonald’s #1. Perhaps the most important lesson from previous walks is to know where you can find good, hot, calorie-rich food, and McDonald’s at least satisfies the last two conditions. In fact, McDonald’s likely beats all other establishments at the calories per dollar metric.⁠61 This is a very important metric to me, though sadly I could not use it in 8.033 (Relativity). In the least productive manner, I am now thinking about Café Mami, the planned location for dinner (whenever that will arrive).

It has begun to snow, and unfortunately the wind faces me. Snow is beautiful when fallen, but it really does bite you when it hits your face. Everything else is still okay – my pace is good (maybe even too good), and I am rapidly approaching the one-third mark.

I’m in Andover!

The sign inside says "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH A DETERMINED MIND."

What are people doing with hot tubs in the winter?

I’m really in Andover!

I’m really really in Andover!

Previous Next

2. Anger

11:11 [25.0 miles from home]

Massachusetts Route 28 is the main artery of the journey. Most of it is a two-lane road without sidewalks, but at least it has generous margins beyond the leftmost and rightmost lanes. Once again, the salt trucks have done their job, so these lanes are perfectly clear and wonderful to walk on, or at least as wonderful as it can be at 11:11 AM at -1°C. The art of walking without sidewalks is something that I have been forced to learn. Some key tips (or personal opinions): try to walk on the left hand side so you are facing the drivers, who knows when you have to dodge; though it is a bit greedy space-wise, try to walk on asphalt instead of on dirt, mud, or snow, even if the road margins are not super wide – drivers are generally just nice to afford you enough space (read: barely not crash into you), and your feet will thank you later; and when you have to swap sides of the road for whatever reason, run as fast as you can (hey, that’s what Crossy Road taught me).

It was shocking at first seeing how many people live on the side of Route 28. I pass by many people shoveling snow, and there are some children making giant snowmen many times their height. The thought of asking some random stranger to take a picture of me also came up, as the very nice coat I am wearing has turned all white due to the snow – I guess that image will only be saved in the brain. The houses have kind of blended into the background. I am sure they would be nicer without the snow, but for now, it is all white.

beeg tree

This is possibly the most artistic picture I took on the walk, which shows you how low my standards are.

Previous Next

11:37 [23.2 miles from home]

I forgot to take a picture in the first McDonald’s, a great sin. I ordered the classic two for $4 deal, which has a calorie per dollar efficiency around 170. Everyone else at the McDonald’s is drinking coffee – maybe I should do this at McDonald’s #3. I turn on my data for the first time on the walk and send a few texts to people to convince them that I am still alive.

The Whole Foods at Andover is warm. I see produce at reasonable prices, at least compared to HMart. I see tomatoes that I briefly consider bringing back for Fatima.⁠62 Of course, I realize that she will then peel these tomatoes regardless of how she plans to eat them, which is one of the worst of tomato-related crimes. It is comfortable to be in a familiar place, to see people genuinely enjoying their day, and to see people who are not in a battle against the snow. But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep,⁠63 thank you frost and I am immediately reminded of how cold the rest of the day will be.

The walk must go on.

the more expensive organic avocados

But really, who peels their tomatoes? And cucumbers? The Geneva Conventions surely have something to say about these crimes against humanity.

bye bye Whole Foods

bye bye McDonald's, but quieter

cool library

The sign text that I cut off reads "Robert S. Peabody Institute for Archeology."

This clock was correct!

Previous Next

12:49 [18.7 miles from home]

Thank goodness something is new – I have reached North Reading, which is apparently pronounced identically to Redding, CA. The last hour has been the same three tasks on loop: (1) survive on the side of the road, hoping Ford F-150’s don’t hit me or drag up rocks that will hit me instead; (2) weather the cold, believing in the power of my decently warm outfit; and (3) take as many pictures as I reasonably can. I have been careful to not use my phone too much: the snowfall does not relent, and every time I bring out my phone to take a picture both the phone and the pocket that I shove it back into are getting wetter. The increasing rate of Google system alerts reminding me that “liquid or debris is stuck in the USB charging port” is concerning. The phone is not waterproof, and I do kind of need it.

I should mention one of the key parts to planning long walks: designing outs. As they say, things can and will go wrong, and you always need a way to get to a safe location. This route had a few outs, thanks to the commuter rail at Andover and Reading and the T/bus stations past Medford. However, the highway provides no easy outs, and the gravity of being in a situation where one twisted ankle from one misstep could mean relying on the extreme generosity of a kind, not-going-to-murder-me driver to get home – I do not want to think about it.

The snow continues to fall. Things are slowly becoming less pretty and more painful. But the walk must go on.

lie #3 of the trip

Welcome to the White House.

??? more miles of this!

Apply Now!

That sign can't stop me because I can't read.

The house is so far away...

If you are a school bus driver, are you allowed to drive the school bus anywhere you want?

Here’s the answer to the hot tub question! You just let the water freeze over.

???? more miles of this!

Previous Next

13:23 [16.6 miles from home]

I thought that I would like North Reading and the cities in general because they sound safer, but walking-wise, the cities have proven to be more difficult. Normally, it is better to walk on the sidewalks than the road margins, but during the winter, the road margins have much less ice due to the generous salting. The salt trucks have come by so frequently that I have begun counting them as they pass by. The sidewalks in the cities only have patches of safe ground: maybe a charitable store owner threw out some salt last night, or maybe some hardworking souls have shoveled out sections; otherwise, the rest is all ice and snow.

As McDonald’s #2 comes into view, I begin asking myself the overwhelming question: why did I choose to do this? There is always another day, there is always another route, and there is always another adventure. I am barely over halfway home, and though I think I will make it, will the journey have been worth it? But these thoughts are unproductive: I would rather think about the calories that I am about to consume.

somehow made it to Japan

I really had no margin to walk on here, but most of the cars were nice. Most of them.

It's a bad sign if McDonald's feels like home, right?

Is it the best idea to drink a frozen beverage right before continuing on a walk in the frozen weather? I don’t know, but the caffeine sure is useful.

One of two extant pictures of me on this walk, both taken inside McDonald’s bathrooms.

Previous Next

13:26 [16.4 miles from home]

I send a few messages of great importance to Vincent F. ’24, an Andover native. He is the only other person I know who would support the fact that most of the trip is planned to be fueled on McDonald’s calories.

me: bro Andover is boring
me: Nothing to do
Vincent: Bro y tf r u there
me: I was in Salem NH
me: And i didn’t know how to get back
Vincent: Isn’t it snowing today too
me: yep
Vincent: How did you get there
Vincent: Don’t tell me you walked
me: uh some bus or something
Vincent: Ok good
me: nah walking back though
Vincent: No shot
Vincent: U r gonna die
me: I’m in north reading rn
Vincent: wtf
me: 54% way there
Vincent: U madlad
me: (heart react)

3. Bargaining

14:41 [12.5 miles from home]

I have just entered the heart of Reading, which is to say, I am about to enter McDonald’s #3. Not too much has been interesting between the two McDonald’s. The transition from the more rural outskirts into the main city has crept up on me. At some point, I looked back and saw nothing but snow, then I turned my head, and all the snow was either cleared or melted into the urban heat island. The snowfall has finally given up, which I somehow kind of miss. It forced me to stay alert, and chief amid my list of worries, I am beginning to fear that I will become too tired.

More than ever before, I feel like I must take a longer rest at this McDonald’s – I hope that a good stretch will solve the leg pain, but who knows? The caffeine from the mocha frappe certainly helped make the last hour better, along with breathing tactics, inventing new verses to Country Roads,⁠64 I managed to remember all of the lyrics except the line 'West Virginia, Mountain Mama,' which feels like the third hardest line to forget. and other distraction mechanisms, but I know I can’t avoid the pain forever, with so much left to go. I am realizing that I am not as prepared as I should have been, probably, certainly. As I send what will turn out to be one of the last texts of the walk, I tell Phoebe L. ’24 that there are 12 more miles to go, but I should return home in good time. Maybe it was to reassure her, but maybe it was to reassure me, because the worries about Middlesex Fells that I pushed aside this morning are resurfacing. In a little more than an hour, I should be entering the reservation; in a little more than an hour, it will be sunset. Sure, twilight is not pitch darkness, but the prospect of walking in the middle of endless trees with a nontrivial chance of getting lost… I should not think about this.

T road margins have slowly grown worse, and newly fallen snow over the morning has not been shoveled or salted. Unlucky.

me when I steal away a lighthouse

I considered planning a walk just to watch this.

Ah yes, the beginning of Fahrenheit 451.

So what is the correct answer to "2 apples + 3 bananas"?

McDonald’s tier list: #2 > #1 ≫ #3 – the playground makes this one so much worse.

The second and last picture of me in another McDonald's bathroom.

an inferior fast food brand seen in the wild

Pink truck!

Previous Next

15:14 [10.2 miles from home]

What does Stoneham even mean? These are the questions that I ask myself about 20 miles in. I can see the sun falling towards the horizon, quite rapidly, but at least I am in a populated town for now. After Stoneham, there will be no more easy outs until Medford – at least one hour of potential danger in Middlesex Fells. On the other hand, my friends have only told me how beautiful the reservation is when they visited. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

The Massachusetts signs suggest that you are not yet welcome for a good half mile after you enter a city.

"so Jonathan where are you right now?” “oh I found a rental in Oklahoma”

I feel like you can say something poetic about this.

I found the stones, but where's the ham?

Previous Next

4. Depression

15:59 [8.8 miles from home]

This is the first of two times that I will walk off Route 28 after having first merged into it almost six hours ago. This is also the first of three times that I will cross Interstate 93, which feels very different now that I have walked by it. It is strange to think that soon car headlights will be the brightest thing around.

I overshoot the Bear Hill Trail entrance by 0.5 miles, losing some time tracing back. Middlesex Fells is all white and barren, as predicted. I am sure that the trail is more populated during normal hours, but right now, it is only me and the trees. It is not yet dark, luckily, and the snow has such a high albedo that it might not be as dark as I thought.

Into the woods!

16:10 [8.4 (?) miles from home]

I am lost. This is one of the few times on the walk where I planned to rely on the GPS – I didn’t need a GPS to tell me how to walk on Route 28 for a dozen miles, for example. However, the GPS signal is so inaccurate that I could easily be on any of the three trails that had split up a few steps back; the westernmost trail promises to keep me for an extra mile compared to my planned route. There are colored tags on the trees, but who knows what they indicate? I consider tracing back to the start because even though it is becoming darker, and I am becoming more tired, I can always follow the freshest footprints in the snow, which are mine. Maybe the starting trail sign would mention which trail corresponded to which color? I don’t know. The faintest voice inside of me whispers a dangerous idea: I have brought more than enough to stay warm throughout the night; I do have an out after all.

I begin walking much faster, despite every one of my two legs telling me not to, forging ahead in the general direction that I think is southeast. If I return to Route 28, I will feel a lot safer.

16:19 [8.0 miles from home]

I am no longer lost. It was not that bad, luckily – I probably went half a mile down a wrong trail, but I have reached a merge point with signs, and I am now following the Spot Pond Brook Historic Trail. Since the trails are not that clearly demarcated, especially with all the snow, I have been trusting the footprints ahead of me, which has worked well so far. The Spot Pond Brook, which I am now walking parallel to, resembles a skating rink, though I certainly wouldn’t want to test it now. It is almost beautiful.

16:23 [7.7 miles from home]

I am now on the portion of Route 28 that passes through Middlesex Fells. The road is significantly emptier than before, almost certainly because most of the cars merged onto Interstate 93. Speaking of Interstate 93, the sounds of honks and engines give me hope that home is near, though every step feels a bit more difficult.

One of two hills that I slid down because it was the most convenient path.

truly, the light at the end of the tunnel

Previous Next

16:45 [6.4 miles from home]

I have been welcomed to Medford (without an entrance sign this time), and now am crossing Interstate 93 for the second time. The view from this bridge reminds me of those early morning hour traffic broadcasts; what I would give for it to be the early morning and not the early evening. It really is getting dark now, but at least there is only one more vehicle-dangerous portion. I need to somehow cross three lanes to the exit lane on Forest Street – not really sure how that is going to work.

the second-best picture I take all day

Before this trip, I discussed with someone how I could navigate by light to go back to the city. Maybe it's actually possible?

Previous Next

17:31 [4.1 miles from home]

The pain has reached my hip. For the last few blocks, I have been stopping at each corner to stretch, hoping this would somehow fix the problem, but everything feels so much worse than post-marathon or post-Plymouth, so I know it will not be that simple.

I pass the Ball Square T Station. It is so tempting to spend the $2.40 and tap out, but some idiotic voice inside of me says to continue. I do not know what is going on with my hip, so I change plans: instead of going towards Café Mami, I will stop at the first restaurant on the way directly back home, saving one mile.

The restaurant is called Oasis Brazilian Restaurant. I walk in and find a crowd of employees gathered around the cash register. I am out of breath, but I pull my two brain cells together to ask how ordering at the restaurant works – the waitress informs me that I have an option between a pay-by-weight option, an ordinary buffet option, and a buffet with barbeque option at increasing price points. Feeling optimistic that eating a good amount would provide me the energy to trudge through the final five miles, I pick the ordinary buffet option. On any other day, I would have found the food just okay, but in the moment, it tastes very good. The Brazilian equivalent of American Idol plays on five separate TVs, and I watch as diners come and go, with the exception of a Portuguese-speaking customer ordering drink after drink at the bar. It is nice, but as I read my phone messages, I am reminded that I am still not home. It’s just five miles, I say. Just five more miles.

truly an oasis

I continue a practice of cutting oranges with a fork and knife for no reason.

Previous Next

17:50 [3.1 miles from home]

I am sure that this has been the slowest mile – probably 24 minutes or so. If I keep this rate, I’ll reach Next House a bit after 7 PM; this is still earlier than Google Maps, but not good. I have been trying a new technique: on each exhalation, manifest that some of the pain will be exhaled as well. Is this what meditation is like? At this point, I don’t know, and I don’t care because all I can think about is when I will reach the end of this cursed street they call Main Street.

18:33 [1.2 miles from home]

There are no thoughts. I am now less than 1.5 miles from home, distance-wise equivalent to a normal trip to class and back, but they do not feel equivalent in any other way. I think back to this morning. At peak pace, I could probably arrive home at 18:50, but I must contend with the fact every muscle is telling me to stop. 

What else can I do except go forward?

You can tell how slow my reaction speed has become, because I saw the fallen Chipotle five paces back and only decided to take out my phone now. I wonder what the story is – clearly the Chipotle couldn’t have been thrown down because the lid is so far away, and would any sane pedestrian throw out Chipotle?

18:41 [0.6 miles from home]

Never have I been happier to see this slab of concrete. I am almost there, and I can almost swear that my hip is not going to fall off.

Is TeaDo open?

18:59 [0.0 miles from home]

The doors to Next House have been opened, by me. I cannot remember the last time it took me 18 minutes to walk from the Stud to Next House. I was supposed to take a picture of the river as some sort of closing callback to the first picture, but I am not walking back outside again. Not tonight, probably not tomorrow, and maybe not for a good while. 65 Narrator: All of these statements will turn out to be lies. He will end up walking four miles tomorrow.

I am supposed to feel triumphant now, right?

5. Acceptance

21:05 [0.0 miles from home]

4W has begun watching Mamma Mia (the movie) for the N-th time (see Alan’s blog post). I can still recall the memory of me entering this lounge to play the music video of Austin Weber’s rendition of Mamma Mia (the song) in front of a group of 4W seniors that I barely knew at the time. I am glad that it has contributed to this. I sit in the back at a bad angle to watch the movie, but frankly, I know I couldn’t have concentrated on it anyways. It has truly dawned upon me how lucky I am to be here right now. To be clear, this was not that dangerous in the grand scheme of things, but certainly it could have been worse. Having just badly summarized the entire trip to both Mack, the night-time security guard, and a small group of 4W, I know I will have to explain what happened today many more times. Maybe I’ll create a coherent story by tomorrow, 66 maybe I’ll even write a guest blog post but now I am focusing on how to live with this hip.

In a Messenger chat with myself, I am listing what to fix for the next long walk. Although this may have been the most reckless thing I have done so far in my life, I know myself well enough to know that the title of most reckless will be passed onto another adventure, but at least I can make it more enjoyable.

January 17, 2023

00:20 [0.0 miles from home]

I am exhausted, but for whatever reason, I am still awake. Half of me is still amazed that I made it back, and the other half of me still wonders why I went on this walk in the first place. I still have not found a good way to summarize the walk. In many ways, it was a ten-and-a-half-hour movie that only I witnessed, a movie in which I could intricately map out every detail if someone wanted. But to paint a wide brush and describe it under some umbrella idea? I don’t know.

What I do know – I have decided to go to lab tomorrow at 9:30 AM. So, good night to my intrusive thoughts, good night to Next House, and good night to all.

Epilogue

Most of the above was written after-the-fact between January 17th and January 25th in the form of retrospective diary entries. In these nine days, I have learned that the pain was mostly due to a strained and possibly torn hip flexor muscle, which has gradually healed. Life has moved on, with great appreciation and love to everyone who has helped me. The memory of the day is not so vivid anymore, but sometimes the walk is brought up in conversation, and the mental projector turns on, playing flashback after flashback.

Was the walk a good experience? I still do not have a good answer. It was fun in the moment and at many moments, but it was not so fun at every other moment. From my understanding, my leg should be normal within another week, and I want to say that my endurance will be stronger than ever. The dozens of texts to myself and my one-page diary entry serve as evidence that surely the next walk will be better. 67 I'm looking at you, Gloucester. The next walk will still have to wait though: between the first few days of recovering from the sleep and calorie deficit,⁠68 Supposedly I burned over 3000 calories solely from walking, not to mention the calories from basal metabolism or heat regulation. and the next few days spent catching up on whatever it is I do now, things still feel slower.

Everything will heal with time, or so they say. Coming back from one of the more difficult semesters of my life, I have high hopes for the new year. The next week⁠69 you can tell how long it has taken me to edit this has two large 4W-associated performances, namely IAP orchestra and the MTG⁠70 Musical Theater Guild production of Heathers.⁠71 some might even say it will be Big Fun My plan for the spring semester includes a reasonably rigorous class schedule that will hopefully also allow me the freedom for other (certifiably insane) adventures. In the bigger picture, I think I have finally answered the major question of what majors I should choose, and I have tenuously decided upon a career path. There is much to be done in the near future, and I might just be ready in time.

Take care everyone, and thank you for reading.

quogs in a ‘metastable state’

• spent more time with my wing 

at next house, each floor is divided into two wings, and each wing has multiple lounges, where people come to hang out and study. 

compared to last year, I now live closer to our main wing lounge so I spent a lot more time there, working, or not, and made a lot of fond memories. we eliminated a consonant,⁠72 Alan Z. ’23, Jonathan H. ’25 and I decided to replace all k sounds with t sounds but that didn’t last long for obvious reasons proved P = NP,⁠73 P and NP are classes of languages for which you can check if something is in the language in polynomial time. the difference is that NP allows ‘lucky guessing.’ an open problem in theoretical computer science is to prove whether P and NP are equal. in multiple problem sets for 18.404, we messed up in just the right way to show that P = NP and ranked the letters of the alphabet.⁠74 in case you are wondering, the best letter is L

obsessed with our pink frog plushie, we used some of our wing budget to buy three more of them. they are very soft, so naturally, you’ll see them being thrown around the lounge a lot.

• helped Jonathan H. ’25 learn Urdu 

last year, I told Jonathan the Urdu word for sarcasm and somehow, he still remembered it this year. I offered to teach more words and thereby began our language lessons. because I am a native speaker, I don’t explicitly know a lot of the rules so it is really fun to revisit them with him. we have learned how to say ‘where did you come from, where did you go’ in Urdu.

• actually listened in on 6.006

I dropped 6.006 to Listener mid semester but continued going to recitations until the end. I loved our recitation leader and I learned a lot solving problems in class. I hope to actually take the class next semester, so having this background will hopefully help.  

• participated in a quiz bowl tournament 

some people on our floor were going to Yale for the ACF Winter Quizbowl tournament and asked if other folks were interested. Katie K. ’24, Andrew L. ’24 and I decided to go last minute, so we had an entire car of just 4W⁠75 four west, my wing in Next House people. I got like two tossups in the entire tournament but it was still really fun and my first quizbowl tournament! it was also my first time on Yale’s campus which was very exciting. the campus looks really beautiful in the fall!  

SIX!

• watched a live production of a musical 

I went with Silu S. ’24 to watch Six at the Emerson Theater in Boston. the theater is beautiful! we had great seats and the musical itself was great. it had a more concert-y vibe than the average musical and was very lively and energetic! 

• went to a chamber music concert 

I went to a chamber music concert with Holden M. ’25. I do not have any actual musical expertise and have always been scared that I will not enjoy going to something like this but it was actually very fun. we basically had front row seats and the pieces were great. I especially loved ‘Sonata for Flute, Viola and Harp’ and ‘Two Pieces for Flute, Cello and Harp, Op. 80.’

• went to non-zero student group performances

I went to watch MIT Shakespeare Ensemble’s fall show ‘As You Like It’ with Prajna N. ’25. she was the assistant producer and one of the assistant stage managers for the show which meant she also had to be at the lighting booth for a couple of the showings but we got to watch it together on opening night! 

I also got to see Alan Z. ’23 and Silu perform at the Asymptones concert and Katie at the wind ensemble concert!   

• 18.701.

at the beginning of the semester, this class felt impossible. a couple weeks in, I found a great pset group to work with, started going to office hours religiously and ended up learning so much from the class.

black holes are cool

• went to two 8.033 lectures?

on the Monday of the last week of classes, my poetry class started relatively later than usual, so I went to the 8.033 lecture instead with Leo Y. ’25, Matthew H. ’25 and Alan(who was also there for no reason).

I learned that the singularity is at the center of the blackhole. 76 this is actually false. I really learned that the singularity is a moment in time, not a place in space so it doesn’t even make sense to say that I ended up enjoying it enough to also attend the very last lecture. I want to take this class next fall so this is a good sign!   

• did not kill my plant

garfield in october!

last year, I got a succulent at a study break that I named sandwich. I somehow managed to kill it very quickly by either overwatering or underwatering or a mix of both. 

at the beginning of this year, with some encouragement from Katie, I decided to pot the marigold seeds I had from last year. this plant, Garfield, did pretty well for almost the entire semester. I generally measure my mental health by how often I remember to take care of my plant so this is a very good thing. 

close to the end though, two out of the three sprigs died but one of them still has leaves, so I am hoping it won’t completely die. after all, there’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. 77 I also watched The Princess Bride this semester. twice.

• miscellanous.

I also finally went to Chinatown, bought a 32$ phone, wrote a 1500 word poem, started a sestina⁠78 a poetry form consisting of six sestets, having the same six end words in each of the stanzas, but in a different order. the poem ends with a tercet which has two of the end words per line.  cult with Alan, got more than 4000 coins on Subway Surfers, held office hours for a class, got a Harvard library card and actually put it to use, and ran the most unsuccessful write-in campaign of all time for President of Next House in the last 30 minutes of voting.

things I didn’t do:

• spent less time with my friends not in Next House
• didn’t learn a lot of Chinese even though I intended to
• didn’t do as many art tours as I wanted to
• didn’t read at all
• barely went off campus
• didn’t bike at all
• didn’t go to a single art museum all semester
• didn’t re-run for Next exec
• didn’t take a PE class⁠79 every student at MIT is required to take 4 PE classes and pass the swim test to graduate
• didn’t explore the tunnels
• didn’t go to some of the student group performances I wanted to see

On my to-do list, I have three columns:⁠80 this is probably not the best way to organize a to-do list. it works for me but I wouldn't necessarily advise it Today, Soon and Later and there are always some things that inevitably spill over to the Later section and stay there the whole semester. The second section in this post seems deceptively small but I don’t have much to say about the things I didn’t do except that the to-do list is never fully checked off, which is, frankly, a good thing. I know I need to calibrate my priorities and commitments for the next semester differently to better account for the things which are very important to me that I couldn’t do this semester. I also know that there were still a lot of things that I did and not being able to do everything doesn’t undermine that.