This is not a coincidence because nothing is ever a coincidence.⁠02 Catchphrase from <a href="https://unsongbook.com/">Unsong</a>, sometimes shortened to TINACBNIEAC by fans. Okay, it’s kind of a coincidence; if you’ve read my course catalog history you’d know that MIT had more than 21 numbered courses as recently as the 1990s. Anyway, I noticed this a few months ago, made a Twitter thread about some correspondences, and got the idea that I should commission art for this!

It was my first time commissioning art from people, and I had the following principles:

• I wanted to compensate artists for their time. I had no idea what a fair price was, so I offered $20 per card, and it seemed that people were fine with that? This money came out-of-pocket; I’m not making any money off this, I just wanted to see this happen.
• I didn’t want to use generative AI or whatever. Even more strongly, I wanted each card to be by an MIT student, and as much as possible get a different artist for each card. That means coordinating between 22 people, which wouldn’t be too hard, right?
• Not only did I want a different artist for each card, I wanted the cards to be as different from each other as possible too. That meant not having a consistent style between cards, and embracing the many different art styles that artists had. That meant I didn’t have tight specifications for each card either. I constrained the size and borders, and that’s it.

Some lessons I learned:

• I wrote a spec doc with some details that I gave to artists. This turned out to be a great idea, though I could’ve made some details clearer, like payment methods, or that I wanted artist’s notes for each card.
• Different artists take different amounts of time to make art. Some artists finish overnight, others take a few weeks of incremental progress. I forgot to account for this when scheduling things.
• Sometimes things happen to people, and they can’t finish what they signed up to do. It’s not that that person is bad, it’s just life. This is also something I forgot to account for when scheduling things.
• That adage about multiplying time estimates by π is true. Even when you think you’ve accounted for the buffer time, you haven’t, and you always need to have more buffer. Always. Hence why I’m making this post several months after I graduated…

Anyway, here’s the cards!

0: The Fool / 0: Undeclared

The Fool represents beginnings and spontaneity, and is set apart from the Major Arcana by being unnumbered. A first-year student begins MIT undeclared, ready to embrace the unfamiliar.

Artist: Song K. ’25, major in Computer Science and Engineering.

The Fool traditionally stands precariously at the edge of a cliff. We don’t really have cliffs on campus, but this frosh is standing on top of the Great Dome. (don’t try this at home) They are also in approximately the same pose as the person in Wanderer above the Sea of Fog.

I: The Magician / 3: Materials Science and Engineering

The Magician taps the forces of the universe to create things, a conduit between the spiritual and the physical. In MIT’s Glass Lab and Metal Lab, people bend material objects according to their will, shaping reality to match their thoughts.

Artist: Rihn ’23, major in Mechanical Engineering, major in Humanities and Science, @rihnscape on Instagram.

The magician; blowing a witch’s ball out of glass. Using tweezers, they manipulate glowing molten glass at the end of a blowpipe into a delicate ornament. The scene is framed with ornate wrought iron swirls. This card’s content is based off the MIT glass lab and the forge and foundry in the basement of the infinite. The likeness of the magician is loosely inspired by several of the glass lab’s wicked cool instructors.

II: The High Priestess / 24: Linguistics and Philosophy

The High Priestess guards the inner structures of our thoughts, the objects that philosophers study. The card also represents the mystery of infinite potential. How can a finite language contain infinite utterances?

Artist: Shuli J. ’22, major in Computer Science and Engineering.

The High Priestess sits at a desk, contemplating a complex syntax tree. To her left and right are alternate universes where similar but different versions of herself do the same thing. Each of them hangs in the space of infinite possibility and branching. In the physical space below them, galaxies form; in the abstract space above them, linguistics symbols tumble around.

III: The Empress / 7: Biology

The Empress is seated in the realm of nature, the setting for the life sciences. Through molecular biology and genetics, researchers seek ways to treat diseases and promote health. Nurturing and sustaining, two key characteristics of The Empress.

Artist: Michaela P. ’24, major in Biology.

I don’t really have much of an artist’s statement. I just liked drawing this.

IV: The Emperor / 8: Physics

The Emperor is about rules and structure. Things like dark matter, ultracold gases, or high-temperature superconductors all show that complex structure can arise from simple physical rules.

Artist: Andrea J. ’26, major in Computation and Cognition, @hydreajia on Instagram.

With physics as a graduation requirement, all undergraduates have some sort of interaction with the MIT physics department. Most students take 8.01 and 8.02 to fulfill the physics requirement. These subjects are taught in a unique flipped classroom format using lightboard videos. 8.01 and 8.02 are shown on the pillars of the emperor’s throne to represent their foundational nature, and the lightboard is incorporated with glowy writing all across the card. The emperor levitates a marker using the power of the right-hand rule. The emperor is dressed in robes that resemble Roman attire to give a scholarly look, and his features take inspiration from Peter Dourmashkin, one of the beloved staff of 8.01 and 8.02 who is a prominent lightboard video instructor. Finally, I’d like to credit my friend Lucas Ospina ’26 on the card as he helped me come up with many of the ideas that make the card what it is :)

V: The Hierophant / 18: Mathematics

The Hierophant represents formal systems and the pursuit of knowledge. The rigor and axioms that form the basis of modern mathematics form the dogma of mathematical belief, and many mathematicians find math intrinsically worthy of pursuit.

Artist: Tara S. ’24, major in Computation and Cognition.

I basically tried to convert all of the typical elements of the hierophant card into math concepts. The two pillars are now knotted strings meant to be a nod to knot theory in topology. The hierophant’s crown in the Mandelbrot set fractal. Their robe are is meant to look like an undirected graph. Their right hand is showing the right hand rule used for cross products, and their left hand holds a golden integral sign. The two devotees are made of various numerical notations from different time periods and cultures. I tried to generally have a chronological ordering to it, starting from a copy of tallies from Ishango bone, one of the earliest known numerical-related inscriptions, and continuing outwards.

VI: The Lovers / 21: Humanities

The Lovers is about relationships, values, and chocies. These are explored under the many departments of the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences, ranging from anthropology to music to history to gender studies.

Artist: Dora H. ’25, major in Computer Science and Engineering.

The Lovers represents relationships and choices; Course 21 covers a broad range of fields that intersect with each other and fall under the umbrella of MIT’s HASS requirement. The lovers are discussing their differing opinions on the person in the middle’s newest artistic creation while studying/working on individual projects in various humanities fields. I put references to Course 21- and HASS-related classes and activities in the lovers’ assignments, as well as the bulletin board behind them (i.e. the orange textbook on the table is Genki, the textbook used by MIT’s Japanese classes). I included three people to reference the abbreviation “HASS” (H, A, S). Here’s a game: count the hearts in the drawing!

VII: The Chariot / 2: Mechanical Engineering

The Chariot represents the willpower necessary for an undergrad to study mechanical engineering in MIT, like the willpower required to take a class and present your work to thousands of people.

Artist: Anika H. ’26, major in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science.

(anika didn’t write an author’s note, so this is cj pretending to be anika writing one) rollercoaster go brrr

VIII: Strength / 15: Management

Strength encompasses patience, tolerance, and compassion, person-oriented skills that go a long way in the world of business. The management major doesn’t need force or coercion to tame their problems.

Artist: Teresa J. ’26, major in Business Management and Design, @pianofinqers on Instagram.

The overall layout of the card is heavily based on other Strength tarot card designs, which traditionally feature a woman taming a lion with an infinity symbol on/above her head. I replaced the white robes you’d typically see with a business suit, and kept with the white, gray, and red color palette I normally associate with MIT. I gave her the infamous course 15 backpack, as well as a brass rat as little nods to everyday MIT apparel. As for the symbols in the back, I just put some that are commonly linked with business majors: email, briefcases, bar charts, even a playing card inspired by 15.0251, a game theory class I took on listener. I especially made sure to add a nametag with the name Sloan on it, as name placards are required in most business classes, as well as a little calender with 15 as the date as an homage to business being course 15.

IX: The Hermit / 10: Chemical Engineering

The Hermit gives up outside distractions to focus on their work. Chemical engineering undergrads have nicknamed their course lounge “The Bunker”, symbolic of their dedication to comprehensive major requirements.

Artist: Via T. ’26, major in Computer Science and Engineering.

MIT is hard. Often times, we find ourselves holed up in labs or libraries, trying to meet deadlines for thesis, projects, and psets. It’s hard not to feel alone during these times, as we miss calls and texts from those we care about because we just don’t have time. For this tarot card, I attempted to recreate these times, depicting a student asleep in lab, trying to make deadlines while their friends try to reach them. The equally scribbled papers on the other work stations remind us that despite the fact we are struggling alone at the moment, others are also in the same boat.

X: Wheel of Fortune / 14: Economics

The Wheel of Fortune, on the surface, is about luck, but it’s also a vision of the world’s systems working in harmony. Economists cut through seemingly random data, looking to create policy and programming that’ll make the world better.

Artist: Elizabeth W. ’26, major in Mathematical Economics.

Most of the card is based on the Stonks internet meme, with the Alchemist as the guy in the meme. The wheel and the moons surrounding the wheel are representations of the actual wheel of fortune, as well as the money sticking out of parts of the wheel. The firehose was just included to reference MIT, and the numbers of the stocks in the background are course 14 class numbers, such as 14.01, 14.02, etc.

XI: Justice / 11: Urban Studies and Planning

Justice and fairness across services like housing and transportation is a key urban planning goal. Crucial to achieving this is a deep understanding of cause and effect, another aspect of Justice.

Artist: Caroline C. ’25, major in Urban Science and Planning with Computer Science.

The scales of justice are unbalanced. The central figure Justice represents the honorable late Mel King who, along with many hands from the community, is poised to add more housing to rebalance the scales (thanks to anon for suggesting this). The map of the Cambridge/Boston area emphasizes a sense of place.

XII: The Hanged Man / 1: Civil and Environmental Engineering

The Hanged Man looks defeated or lost, but finds success by acknowledging his situation. The climate crisis can be discouraging, but civil and environmental engineers are committed to respond.

Artist: Jinhee W. ’26, major in Management.

i based it around ecobrutalism (the meaning behind the hanged man, as a symbol of rebirth and renewal in a sense), as well as incorporating small elements such as a bridge in the water and small windmills in the windows. for references to the hanged man, it was mainly just having her hang from a tree

XIII: Death / 5: Chemistry

Death is about inexorable change and shedding the superficial, much like the difference between the chemical and the merely physical. Death represents transformation, and from chemistry we get a key example: chemical reactions.Artist: Madison W. ’25, major in Chemistry.

In order to design the card, I drew upon ideas of Eastern spirituality, where life and death are deeply intertwined. The lotuses represent rebirth and enlightenment, but the number four, which is the amount that are blooming, represents death. I also opted to tranform the periodic table, an emblemic symbol of chemistry, from its traditional form to a circular format, attempting to conjure the image of the samsara and alchemy circles. The imagery hopefully evokes a more gentle and empathetic interpretation of the card.

XIV: Temperance / 20: Biological Engineering

Temperance is about balance and health, factors that come into play when engineering biology to benefit humanity. Patience and purpose are key to both Temperance and wet lab work.

Artist: Marissa A. ’23, major in Biological Engineering.

I kind of wanted the vibe of a less-is-more tarot card deck. The angel of temperance has been replaced by a bioengineer and her chalices are now a pipette and microcentrifuge tube. The background, though some of it obscured by the scientist, contains references to all course 20 core classes. And, as a small easter egg, representing the depicted polypeptide as its one letter codes spells out TEMPERANCE on repeat.

XV: The Devil / 6: Electrical Engineering and Computer Science

The Devil represents material wealth, addiction, and ignorance. Do any of us fully understand the consequences of the technologies we wrought upon the world?

Artist: Michelle M. ’26, major in Computer Science and Engineering

the card is from the pov of a course 6 student reaching towards the alluring glow of their laptop, a portal to infinite power and knowledge but also deep danger. we see the figure of a student whose shadow morphs into a demonic figure (the bezos head shape was not intentional but we can pretend it was) with a twisted devils horn crown (it’s the citadel logo.) there are eyes in the background as well as the webcam as a symbol of the perpetually watchful eyes of the internet and judgement as a whole. i also made the eyes kinda distorted and the ai-generated-esque hands very distorted as a symbol of recent advances in ai and the ethical questions that arise with them, esp in the realm of art. (to be honest idk why i chose to draw eyes and hands. the bane of my existence smh </33). oh also the webcam eye is red as a portrait of the average eecs student (coming into mit i saw that one compilation of student sleep times by major and saw eecs averaged around 3 am, and thought “??? no way that’s me”,,, oops lmao) also the background is red bc i thought it looked cool. no blue curtains there

XVI: The Tower / 4: Architecture

The Tower is hit by fire and lightning, and yet it stands. An architect designs a building with physical disasters and other challenges in mind.

Artist: Jenny B. ’25, major in Artificial Intelligence and Decision Making.

I had fun squeezing in references to real-world architecture in and around campus. The obvious references are the Great Dome and the little roller coaster-esque rendition of the MBTA Red Line. But if you look closely to the sides of the Great Dome, I stuffed in Simmons Hall (left) and Stata Center (right), since they’re pretty recognizable on-campus. I also added the Wiesner Building (MIT Media Lab, List Visual Arts Center) which was designed by I.M. Pei. At the very top of the tower, I stuck some vague renditions of brutalist architecture, kind of to poke fun at the Student Center and also Boston’s City Hall and Government Service Center. Everything else is made up.

XVII: The Star / 22: Nuclear Science and Engineering

The Star shines with hope for the future, representing faith in response to difficulties. Nuclear science shines with the promise of clean energy, undaunted by the grand challenge of fusion.

Arist: Emily L. ’24, major in Computer Science and Engineering.

Didn’t really have an artist’s note to add, just combined the star arcana traits with elements of course 22 and also puffin

XVIII: The Moon / 16: Aeronautics and Astronautics

The Moon is the triumph of imagination over fear and uncertainty. Boundless imagination flew us to the moon despite fears of falling, despite imperfect tools and instruments.

Artist: Steven L. ’23, major in Aerospace Engineering.

Most of the layout and design is just what i think looks nice, but the wolf and the space shuttle name Divination are references, respectively, to typical designs for the Moon arcana in tarot decks and tarot’s perhaps most notorious use. The wolf tail becoming the Milky Way is an arbitrary choice; similarities to some Native American myths are purely coincidental.

XIX: The Sun / 12: Earth, Atmospheric, and Planetary Sciences

The Sun drives the Earth’s weather and climate. The undergrad EAPS motto encourages students to go beyond, and bring discovery energy into their fieldwork, attributes The Sun reminds us to hold.

Artist: Gloria Z. ’26, major in Mechanical Engineering, @orangebead_ on Instagram.

For my card, I incorporated imagery corresponding to the fields of study in EAPS: the ocean for earth, wind and clouds for atmosphere, and the sun for planetary bodies! I tried to imitate traditional tarot styles when drawing the sun, human figure, and telescope. The waves and seafoam at the bottom are inspired by Hokusai’s famous print “The Great Wave off Kanagawa” :).

XX: Judgement / 9: Brain and Cognitive Sciences

Judgement is about discernment and reckoning, examples of cognition. BCS seeks to understand our mind, which all judgement ultimately comes from.

Artist: Kristine Z. ’24, major in Computation and Cognition.

Like the various directions of BCS, this scene includes perception through the senses, understanding in the mind, neurons to neuron connections, and corresponding neural network models. The neural network shape literally and visually represents the trumpet call in the Judgement card which brings everything hiding under the mask into the open like how the models strive to uncover mysteries of the brain.

XXI: The World / 17: Political Science

The World represents completion, integration, and involvement in society at large. Political science focuses on global understanding, and seeks to empower individuals to participate in governance.

Artist: Rachel P. ’24, major in Management.

Political science represents the study of governments and political behavior, even at an international level. The red pins and string on the earth represents the interconnectedness of the different states of the world.

Final thoughts

I don’t have plans to organize a print run, though I do want a physical copy. If you’re interested in printing these, hit me up and we can talk about it.

For me, this project was a reminder that things happen because people make them happen. I thought getting people to make art would be cool, so I wrote a spec doc, asked friends for feedback, wrote an email, and set up a spreadsheet. I’m super happy with how the project went, and it’s satisfying to see this finished after several months of coordinating between people.

i felt the need to have some sort of memorial service

to commemorate the death of east campus and the death of this room in particular

62h306

today i remember the people who lived in this room before me

of the several dozen years that this room has lived

i’ve only been here to bear witness a small part, only trace a quarter of it

i don’t know your full history, but i do know enough to have gotten to know you

i’ve done enough in this room, placed enough things, learned enough about it, to have formed this connection

i know you’re not real, you’re not living, you’re not sentient, you won’t ever hear this

even though i’m saying this inside you right now

i felt the need to do this because i will miss you, in a way

this has been the one place i’ve stayed in the longest

(without considering my parents’ place)

i stayed here for, in total, two years, which isn’t even really that long in the scale of places i’ve stayed in

but the fact that it has been that long, and it’s way longer compared to anything else, is kind of a big deal to me

this is just to say, i’m gonna miss you, h306

i’m gonna miss east campus, and all of it’s weirdness, all the art painted on its walls

all the hidden passages, the memories made by dozens and dozens of people before me

in a way it reminds me of suzume, i guess, in how you have to think about how this place was used before you, all the memories made by people in this soon-to-be-abandoned building

because a place is never really about the place, it’s about the people who live in the place, the people who do things in the place, and now all of those people are gone, and i will be one of the last to leave

i’ll be one of the last to leave

i guess this is also the conclusion to me graduating, or of my time in mit, because after i leave ec i won’t be on campus for a while

i’ll be in et, and the next time i’ll be back will be for a therapy appointment but, whatever

i don’t know why i felt the need to do this, but i’m doing it anyway

and i

i’ll miss you

i’ll miss this

and i’m very sad about graduating, and i don’t know how to express that in words

even though i think i’m normally a very articulate person

it feels like there’s this hole

it feels like, when you’re buliding up a tower of lego bricks, but you only have enough to go up two of the sides, and you can’t bring up the middle to be the same height as the rest, and you end up with this weird-looking structure, and in a sense i feel like my whole life has been this weird-looking structure where i’ve been leaving lots of gaps everywhere because i can’t find the pieces to fill them with because that’s how it’s been

it feels like i’m grieving, even though i know that no one is dying

even though i know i could see people again, if i wanted to

even though for some of the people i said goodbye to, it might be the last time i said goodbye to them

i have no idea how humanity has a whole hasn’t figured out this medicine you could take to stop feeling grief

there are no stickers that i could place on memories to save them

the closer and closer i zoom into this fractal the more and more hurt i feel

even in the infinite tapestry of beautiful memories and color that people have made inside here

i’m sorry

goodbye

In my high school graduation rites, there was a defined moment when we graduated. It was when the principal confirmed the graduates, through the authority vested in them from the Department of Education.

At the end of my gap year between high school and college, I wrote a blog post quoting the chorus of At Least It Was Here. It goes:

But I love you more than words can say
I can’t count the reasons I should stay
One by one they all just fade away
But I love you more than words can say

I wrote it because I didn’t feel “sad enough” about leaving the Philippines. I had friends I loved, and places I’d miss, but my friends had moved on and the places had changed. When I searched for reasons to stay, all I found was emptiness. A yearning for somewhere to call home, a place that’d last, not like the city I’d move out of, or all too short summer camps.

On my first post on the blogs, Colorful, I talk about Diana’s Baths, a series of waterfalls in North Conway, New Hampshire, that I visited as part of some pre-orientation program.

I had my first day of classes in MIT.

There’s this saying I’m attached to: when you graduate from MIT, you die in real life. Implicit is the Institute being a life in itself. You are born, or reborn, when you enter MIT. You die when you leave, only to be born, or reborn, wherever you end up next.

In literary practice, bookends are matching scenes at the beginning and end of the story, to illustrate change or lack thereof. When things happen in my life I force them into stories, and when a story is about to end I think of its beginning. If time will push me into cycles, so be it.

I had my last day of classes in MIT.

Last weekend, I went to a retreat with some friends, and I didn’t realize we were in North Conway, New Hampshire, until someone suggested a visit to Diana’s Baths.

The chorus of Something Better goes:

And all my life
I’ve seen these skies
It’s paradise, paradise
And every time
I leave this place
I’m terrified, terrified

My life in MIT is paradise, in both the I Have Truly Found Paradise sense, and the I Hate This Fucking Place sense, because you cannot have one without the other. When I leave MIT it will be the end of one life. I’m terrified, but what choice do I have?

There is no one moment when I “graduate”. The turning of the Brass Rat, the president’s charge for the graduates, the receipt of the diploma—these are pomp. The last day of class, the last dinner with friends, the day everyone moves out—these are circumstance.

Today I will wear a cap and gown.

time passes.

frosh fall was when i really got to know cj.⁠04 cj: the amount of times i am mentioned in this post is kinda uncomfortable lol i soon came to learn that i had a lot of common interests with him, such as esp, puzzles, and board games, and even later i would discover that a couple other things that cj liked, like squares and writing, were also things that i liked.

time passes.

i finally met cj in person in frosh spring, when mit let people live on campus again. this was back in covid times, when we had these things called “pods”. i was in the same pod as alex and a couple others from a sizable friend group, and we played a lot of board (and video) games together. cj wasn’t in our pod, but since i lived on floorpi anyways, i interacted with cj’s pod a lot, with my interactions including playing stone age with his pod in his pod’s lounge⁠05 all the pods had rooms as lounges. his pod's was H306 and mine was H314 with me standing outside the door and telling them my actions. we also did a couple of puzzlehunts together, one of which we were fast enough to win $400 in.

time passes.

yannick, who was in cj’s pod, had the goal of playing all the board games on floorpi before he graduated. i don’t remember whether he actually completed this, but from what i remember from looking at data, he at least got pretty close.

one board game that he hadn’t played yet was spirit island. apparently cj liked it a lot, because the day after, he dm’d me this message:

of course, i said yes, though i’d also never played before. (this was after we got vaccinated so we could actually play together)

i did remember looking at all the games on that shelf earlier, when i wanted to play a shorter game with my pod, and we passed up spirit island because the box said 90-120 minutes. cj told me that it was closer to 30 minutes times the number of players, and as i’m writing about it 2 years later, i agree with this.

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he then asked me to choose one of the four low complexity spirits, just based on vibes.⁠06 cj: this is the correct way to play your first spirit island game i happened to have picked shadows, which happens to be the weakest spirit currently in the game plus all expansions, but we weren’t playing at a high enough difficulty for that to actually matter. also, i think shadows is the best spirit to play with first, if power progressions are being used.

cj explained the rules to me very well, despite having played the game only once before. he explained roughly how the invaders worked, what blight and dahan and fear did, and how we fight against them. like always, there were a couple of outstanding questions, but those were niche enough that they were better answered as they come up during the game.

i don’t remember which spirit cj played, i think it was river. since neither of us knew anything about strategy, winning was nontrivial, though not difficult either.

now, there were at least 4 things that made me want to play more:

1. the theme was great, especially with plastic = bad and wood = good⁠07 cj: not very subtle, this game comparisons, having heard a lot about plastic being bad in the semester before. it was also a game against colonialism, and you were playing as supernatural spirits using powers to stop the invaders from colonizing and destroying the island and the natives, which i also really liked.
2. it was cooperative. i started getting tired of competitive games because i was really bad at them, but i don’t play a lot of cooperative games so my experiences with them were pretty untarnished. (ok actually the only cooperative game i’ve played so far was hanabi which i didn’t particularly like,⁠08 cj: i think hanabi is a bad game, fight me but my experiences with hanabi are very forgettable)
3. the jungle hungers, which is the third card in shadows’ power progression, is one of the coolest major powers in the base game. it also helps immensely that it’s really easy to hit the extra threshold at that point of the game.
4. cj invited me to look through all the majors and all the spirits after that game ended. there were definitely some that were cool, such as entwined power and powerstorm, but a lot of them were less interesting and just did like 4 damage. however, all the majors had thresholds, which were the more interesting parts. if the power cards you played this turn had at least these elements on them, you’d get to do an additional cool thing with these majors.

we ended up playing a lot more in the rest of the semester. i would play a game with a podmate right afterwards, and then we spread it around the rest of our pod.

the next couple of games, i would play through the 3 other low complexity spirits with cj, in sandbox-ish games against the max level adversaries (where we control all the random cards), just to see what the adversaries would be like. i don’t quite remember anything else about those games, except that one of them had both of us trying to play 2 low complexity spirits at once, which was definitely too overwhelming for the amount of experience either of us had. i think i played lightning and river for that game, and i didn’t yet understand how their synergy worked.

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i and cj would both eventually play all 8 spirits in the base game at least once that semester. at this point, this was basically the only board game on floorpi that i would end up playing for the rest of the semester. by the end of the semester, we were playing against low-level adversaries and winning pretty consistently.

eventually, i would find out that spirit island had expansions, and my hyperfixation got even stronger. we did buy the expansions with the prize money from the puzzlehunt, but it was very late in the semester so we wouldn’t be able to play it before the summer ended.

time passes.

as fall 2021 began, the first thing i did after returning to campus was looking for the expansions we bought. unfortunately, branch and claw failed to be delivered, so we only had jagged earth, but jagged earth was a lot of content anyways.

we opted to not add all the expansion content yet, at least not combining the power card decks together, because we were still playing with a lot of newer players, and we would need to separate the decks if we wanted to do so. fortunately, some jagged earth spirits could be played without expansion content.

so became my first game as starlight. then a second, then a third, then like 10 more. before long, starlight became my most played spirit. i of course also tried out the other spirits that didn’t need tokens several times, though we were also locked out of a lot of the spirits because we didn’t want to combine decks together. i played fractured, memory, and shroud several times, though i still enjoyed starlight a lot more. i think the reason i liked it was because it was the spirit that did the most of the two things i enjoyed the most: gaining power cards, and matching elements with each other.

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time passes.

at some point later in the semester, i became floorpi’s gamecomm,⁠09 manager of board games 10 cj: floorpi is run through comms, which are people responsible for something like buying games or maintaining the kitchen so i bought branch and claw basically immediately. i also noticed that promo pack 2 was available, so i bought that too. i would buy promo pack 1 later in the semester when it became available again.

we finally decided to combine the decks together. with the extra power cards from both branch and claw and jagged earth, the minor and major power decks became huge and shuffling them became hard. we still had everything stored in plastic bags too, so setting up a game would take almost as long as a (2-player) game itself.

therefore, cj decided to buy an organizer.⁠11 cj: this is from towerrex, i love all their organizers

this is also around the time when cj made a spreadsheet to document all of floorpi’s games of spirit island. the first few games didn’t have a lot of details on them, but as time progressed, we started adding more and more calculations to the spreadsheet, like a sheet for spirit pairings, person-spirit pairings, and info sheets for the spirits and for the adversaries. i was able to find some extra details for our earlier games through pictures that cj posted on blog posts before.

when the organizer finally arrived, setup time became short enough that we went from playing two games a week to almost one game a day. at some point, cj said⁠12 this is a riff on the quote “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth,” which i thought was kinda silly “two games a week for survival, four games a week for maintenance, six games a week for growth.” he also started asking me “do you know what game i want to play?”

this was definitely the most active semester. we would play several larger games, including one game where we needed to draw another island board because there were only 6 boards in the physical game, but we played the card that added a 7th. after that we would play the card that destroys a board, but we would do shenanigans that would leave one of its lands intact and other shenanigans that let the card destroy a land on a different board all the way across the island. in the end, the island ended up looking like this:⁠13 cj: to be clear, that is one isolated land, not adjacent to anything

Previous Next

time passes.

in 2022, we started with playing about 4 games a week, though the amount we played slowly dwindled due to other commitments. i would still be updating the spreadsheet, adding other sheets for spirit-adversary pairings and other statistics. the spreadsheet would work slower over time, and we started talking about building a web app to do these calculations more quickly.

we also kinda stopped playing with just each other in 2 player games. i think we just didn’t find it interesting enough anymore. instead, we tried controlling more than 1 spirit at a time. sometimes we would play 2 handed, but other times we would each control 1 spirit but have another spirit be jointly controlled, making the game 1.5-handed.

another factor that may have contributed was that we completed every spirit-spirit pairing, so we didn’t have nearly as much to work towards anymore.

even though we stopped playing with just each other nearly as much, we started becoming more involved with the greater spirit island playing community. i and alex would become active in the main spirit island discord server, discussing strategy and rules. on the server, alex would post pictures of the games that we played on floorpi and at et. we would also consume more spirit island content⁠14 cj: you know a game's serious when there's lots of content around it such as various youtubers, and a podcast about spirit island that was started just before jagged earth came out had a new season announced.

by this point, spirit island has long been thoroughly entrenched into our lives. when we play other board games, we use spirit island terminology to talk about things. for example, cj apparently forgot how resources worked in 7 wonders, so i told him they work like elements. this would be much more visible in other cooperative games though. when we play aeon’s end, we would call our characters “spirits”, the monster we fight against an “adversary”, and our spells “slow powers”. i would even answer questions asked to general groups with spirit island references. the silliest one i remember is someone asking about how to choose a major, and i said something about taking the one that fits my elements.

i would also change both my minecraft username and skin to starlight. i would then import my minecraft username into real life, and that’s why my name is now lumia. relatedly, i would experience gender euphoria by hitting every elemental threshold with starlight,⁠15 cj: a feat i have not done yet which is the hardest spirit to do this with, on the day that i changed my minecraft username.

time passes.

in the fall, two new expansions for spirit island was announced. the first one was horizons, which was a standalone game that was a slightly simplified version to cater to more people, but it had new spirits so we wanted it anyways. the second one was nature incarnate, and it was talked about a lot, because they were introducing a new mechanic and a lot of content. we were also pretty hyped for it and printed out some of the announced content so we could play it ourselves.

i bought horizons on the day it came out, traveling south to a target past where the red line split. it took a decent amount of time, but i did get to see cj’s reaction⁠16 cj: it was a pretty strong reaction lol to seeing it just sitting there on my bed after he returned to his room that night.

a couple days later, i would give alex the stuff we printed on floorpi, since we didn’t need it anymore. i forgot to tell him not to look at it until he got home, so he figured out pretty quickly that i have acquired horizons.

in november 2022, nature incarnate would open its campaign on backerkit, which got fulfilled in under 15 minutes.⁠17 cj: incredibly wild they gave us a bit of sneak peeks at everything. we would talk about the stuff getting revealed as they got revealed over the month. we implemented some of the changes immediately, in particular the replacement of one card with a new card, and the retirement of another card.

time passes.

i and cj have started going to et more often. in spring of 2023, cj pledged to et while i initiated⁠18 pledging basically means becoming a member of the house, initiating basically means becoming a resident of the house (though i wasn’t moving in until summer). so we had more chances to play spirit island at et.

floorpi was more convenient for all of us, but et’s copy had sleeves, which made a major difference, in that we could add more cards to et’s copy more easily because we could put the new nature incarnate cards we printed in front of other cards (that we could steal from horizons, because horizons’s cards were just a copy of the cards from the base game), and then we wouldn’t be able to tell apart the newly added cards from the cards we already have.

anyways, our schedules didn’t line up well enough for us to play on floorpi often anymore, so a substantial proportion of our games this semester were at et, where we could play with the new cards. i would try to play spirits that liked major powers at et so i could see more of them.

since cj is graduating and ec is getting cast down after this semester, i have been appreciating playing with him on floorpi more. he seems to be so naturally good at the game, and he’s pretty decisive about what he’s doing every turn, unlike me who often takes a while to make decisions about what cards to play. (though it definitely doesn’t help that starlight is one of the most complex spirits and massively widens the decision space)

as we played our final game on floorpi before packing everything, we made sure to make it memorable, and end up sinking the entire island except for one land. i’ll miss cj so much after he graduates, hopefully he comes and visits us regularly. i think we’ve convinced him to come play some games with us after nature incarnate comes out.

I MISS BESTIE ALREADY

I cook because it is the perfect hobby for a busy lifestyle. CJ commented that my freshman year blogpost screamed of “too much time on P/NR.” While that was certainly the case three years ago, my life has gotten much busier since. Dental school applications,⁠21 cj: did you know jacky got a perfect score on whatever exam you have to take for dental school? that's not true but i hear he aced it two labs, a part-time job, and a fully registered load at MIT have placed me firmly on the “work” side of the work-life balance. And I will probably stay on that side for at least the next 8 years of my life as I pursue a DMD/PhD dual degree at Harvard. Looking back, I realized that aside from a few scattered moments of worry-free bliss such as freshman fall, I never had the time to fully unwind from work and develop full-time hobbies. This is certainly not a bad thing – I derive immense joy from my work in both academia and industry. However, like most “normal people”⁠22 There aren’t a lot of those at MIT, I think I appreciate some good relaxation and recharging before waking up the next day and attempting to solve humanity’s dental problems. The solution I’ve found is to try appreciating the tiny moments in my daily life that I have to go through anyway: winding my watch⁠23 cj: yes, jacky is the kind of person who owns the kind of watch you have to wind in the morning; picking a shirt, jacket, and tie to suit my mood; hitting the road for my commute; and, of course, savoring every bite of food that enters my mouth. It’s a “work hard play hard” mentality. I was surprised by how far a little extra effort can go in elevating the mundane into the realm of the extraordinary. Take the simple dish of beef stroganoff, which I demonstrated in my freshman fall blogpost. Add some white onion purée to the beurre blanc, trim the beef chuck, declutter the plating, and voilà! The humble family dish becomes something almost worthy of being called fine dining (Figure 1). It is a perfectly viable meal for unwinding after a long day at the office – hearty yet elegant, simple yet sophisticated. When life hits me with commitments and deadlines, I cut down on the clutter and let the ingredients do the talking. Spending four years at MIT has given me a newfound appreciation for the luxury of sitting down to enjoy a proper meal, and I am very grateful that I learned how to fit this “everyday luxury” into my busy schedule.

Figure 1. Beef Stroganoff. One of my favorite comfort foods, especially during the colder months. This is also one of the first dishes I tried to add my own twist to – in fact, it was my attempt to improve upon this dish that prompted me to buy a sous vide machine.

I cook because I take my hobbies way too seriously. Mea culpa! Like many at MIT, I am guilty of relentless perfectionism. I have allowed this “pursuit of excellence”, which has helped me tremendously in my career thus far, to trickle down into my avocations. I only realized this recently, when I looked at my schedule and realized that all my free time was filled with overblown pastimes that almost feel like trainings for alternate careers. What started as a love for wine turned into a WSET Level 3 Certification,⁠24 There are only four levels with a 9-week course and an exam with theory and tasting components, for which I am still awaiting the results. What started as an enjoyment of driving led to car clubs, autocross days, and track events.⁠25 Whether those events have made me a better driver is a different issue Cooking, however, remains my main hobby, and in four years I have progressed from “trying to cook”⁠26 cj: to be <em>very clear</em>, jacky was already an amazing chef the moment he came into mit to “trying way too hard to cook.” Even with concrete benchmarks like certain classic dishes at Michelin star restaurants, perfection in cooking is difficult to measure and even more difficult to achieve. It requires a certain ethereal, immutable stroke of inspiration, as well as the ever-evolving skill of execution. During the past four years I have only came close to culinary perfection a handful of times. My own recipe for “Aged Foie Gras and French Toast”, in my opinion, is one of them (Figure 2) – it may not be the most striking, and it certainly isn’t the most complex, but it holds a special place in my heart because something about this combination just works so perfectly. The surprisingly simple recipe is detailed below in Appendix I.

Figure 2. Aged Foie Gras / French Toast. The foie gras, aged in truffle honey for 18 days, melts in the mouth creating an explosion of floral, fig, and apricot flavors, ending in a sweet and fragrant finish. The French toast is coated with caramelized notes from honey and port, every bite releases mature aromas of smoke and vanilla like a glass of oaked chardonnay.

I cook because I am supported exactly by that which I destroy. My friend Keanu Clark ‘23, who I deeply admire, wrote this very philosophical blogpost: “The Free Play of Cliché: You are what you eat”, in which he argues that we are but the rearranged and reconstituted products of what we disintegrate. It follows that the nature of existence can be defined by what we can acquire without producing ourselves.⁠27 cj: this is a pretty bold thesis Using the example of vitamins – molecules so common in our foods during the evolutionary process that we have lost the ability to synthesize them – Keanu refactors the cliché into “you are what you can comfortably forget.” Or, more accurately: “You are the problems that you can forget without risk of disintegration.” The act of “forgetting” extends beyond the level of metabolism. Take modern cuisine for example. Ingredients are disassociated from the culinary traditions that bind them, then integrated into a novel creation that bears semblance to its roots, yet is fundamentally its own unique entity. The process of formulating new recipes is also the process of freeing my mind from the confines of traditions that dictate how each ingredient should be used. It is the process of divorcing the physical substance of foods from the memories they carry, then transmuting the corporeal ingredients, in order to freely wield the memories associated with them (Figure 3). In my opinion, this is the reason restaurants like Per Se have such an enduring appeal: not just because of the exquisite taste of their dishes, but because of the memories they evoke, the memories that are freely deconstructed and reconstituted in accordance with the chefs’ visions.

Figure 3. Half Chicken / Half Silkie Chicken. East meets West. Surgery meets cooking. When a Taiwanese silkie chicken and an American Giannone chicken are sutured together, encased in a salt crust, and baked, the normally dry silkie chicken takes on the moistness of regular chicken, while the regular chicken is imbued with the rich flavor of silkie chicken. Inspired by chef Alain Passard’s mi-poulet mi-canard.

I cook because I seek what lies beyond the horizon. To quote my philosopher friend Keanu again: “You are the questions you seek the answers to and the problems you attempt to solve.” Much of my cooking is driven by, on the most basic level, the desire to know what X would taste like when prepared using Y technique. I certainly still have my affinity for offal and exotic meats – a few days ago I heard about a chef in Taiwan who is making sushi from giant Bathynomus isopods, and I’m tempted to fly home just for a tasting. More recently, however, I explore by combining all the different lessons I’ve learned during the past few years. The monkfish dish shown in Figure 4 is a great example – it was wrapped in caul fat which I learned to use during junior year; served with a sauce I formulated as a sophomore; and prepared using sous vide techniques I picked up in freshman fall. What made this dish possible was not just knowing the techniques themselves, but having the imagination to combine the techniques in my mind and envisioning an end product. It turns out that the finished dish tasted very similar to what I imagined it would be like – silky smooth, balanced, and without any of the monkfish’s stereotypical fishiness.⁠28 cj: the fish! it is fishy! how surprising

Figure 4. Monkfish with green sauce, red wine blackberry sauce, potato pureé, and radicchio. A short sous vide followed by chilling really brings out the silky texture of monkfish, while encasing the monkfish in caul fat with herbs neutralizes the fishiness.

I cook because it allows me to share my vision with others. During senior fall I joined MINCE (short for Massachusetts Institute of Culinary Experiences), a team of undergrad foodies who bring pop-up and pop-down dining experiences MIT, as a founding member. To me, MINCE represents a message: that even in the busy lives of MIT students, there is still value in discovering good food. By staging elaborate three course meals for diners, we try to convince our fellow students that food is more than just bodily sustenance, more than paying for calories and nutrients. Rather, it is nourishment for our hearts and souls.⁠29 cj: cue the piano music This message is the same one that I wrote about in my previous blogposts, and I am overjoyed that I was able to find a group of like-minded people before I graduate. When it comes to my extracurricular activities at MIT, being the head chef for the “Night at the Art Gallery” pop-up was definitely the highlight of my undergraduate experience (Figure 5). Leading a team in planning recipes, coordinating food prep, managing logistics, figuring out décor, and serving thirty diners not only allowed me to share by vision, but also gave me newfound respect for the team effort it takes to make good food.

Figure 5. Slicing duck breast for the MINCE Art Gallery pop-up. The duck was part of a Mondrian-inspired dish called “duck breast three ways”, featuring ground spices, orange safflower jelly, and scallion aspic. The full recipe can be found on the MINCE website.

I cook because the pursuit of good food is inherently worthy. Enough said. Here’s a photo dump (Figures 6-8).

Figure 6. Cannibal Burger. Inspired by the Wisconsin cannibal sandwich. Prime beef chuck tartare, smoked sea salt, scallion, horseradish, sakekasu, ponzu, English muffin, pecorino tuile.

Figure 7. Camel Meatballs with Watermelon Radish. Wrapping the camel meat in caul fat before frying preserves the meat juices and concentrates the beefy flavors.

Figure 8. Poached Partridge with Pinot Pepper Pear Pureé. Inspired by the song Twelve Days of Christmas, which I heard for the first time at the Boston Pops concert.

I cook because it allows me to enshrine moments in time. This semester I took a class on Dante’s Inferno and Purgatorio,⁠30 21L.320 Big Books during which I had a discussion with the professor regarding the nature of food metaphors in the Inferno. Professor Fuller pointed out that Dante’s Hell is timeless – souls neither repent nor change and have no hope for salvation. Even though metaphors for food, cooking, and ingestion abound, there is no “digestion” – the eaten are not assimilated into those who eat them. The process of eating does not proceed, but rather, only repeats and extends. On the surface, this seems to contradict many of the food metaphors in the Inferno, such as the description of Hell as a “toothed gullet” swallowing sinners, in canto 13. However, I reconciled this fact with my food-centric reading of the Divine Comedy by realizing that in a certain way, the process of eating itself can be timeless. Of course, there is the physical process of transformation during digestion, but when we remember a meal, we hardly ever focus on the process by which food is transformed into feces inside our gullet. Instead, our memory of food is fixed at a specific point in time, at the vanishing instant of when we encounter the food in our mouths. We remember the flavors and aromas of that one instant, long after the physical particles of food have degraded and scattered. In eating, therefore, food is made timeless: transformed from a physical body to an eternal profile of taste. Few processes capture this consecration of perishable moments into lasting memories better than winemaking. Last year I made banana wine using bananas from MIT’s famous Banana Lounge (Figure 9). After a year of bottle aging, the wine exhibited intense banana aromas⁠31 cj: fun fact, the banana lounge smells like bananas and undergrads combined with dried fruit and nutty notes, reminiscent of the countless times I’ve rushed to the banana lounge for a quick lunch of three bananas and a coffee. It seems to me like the wine has great aging potential, and I’m sure that five, ten, or twenty years later, when I open a bottle of 2022 vintage banana wine from my cellar, I will be lovingly reminded of the time I spent at MIT drinking from the firehose.

Figure 9. “26-110”⁠32 Named after the room number of the banana lounge Banana Wine. It’s technically a mead because it’s made from bananas and honey. After malolactic fermentation and lees aging,⁠33 cj: not a typo, actual term it’s similar to a Chardonnay but with extra banana aromas. Fun fact: I had the privilege of gifting a bottle to the team of students managing the banana lounge.

I thought I wouldn’t feel sentimental about leaving MIT, until the last day of classes. Professor Fuller, having taken us through Dante’s Hell and Purgatory, read us the final lines of Paradiso, where Dante sees God – the love that moves the sun and stars. There was a moment of silence. “Your work here is done,” she said. “Go forth and prosper.” Spending time at MIT wasn’t that different from journeying through the Inferno and Purgatorio.⁠34 cj: what an enduring analogy. i wrote a whole post about <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/tech-is-hell/">the history of comparing mit to hell</a> Beyond the psets and exams, college allowed me to recognize my shortcomings, repent, and attempt to rectify them. It opened my eyes to a higher calling and gave me the means to dedicate my life’s work towards it. I am glad that throughout this journey, I was able to develop not just my career aspirations in dentistry, but also cultivate my love for food and cooking. My appreciation for the culinary arts is not simply a hobby anymore – it is a lens through which I can glimpse true divine beauty. It is a cornerstone of my life that I can return to when faced with challenges: academic, professional, personal, and otherwise. I am grateful that MIT has allowed me to see this. To play with the oh-so common cliché: I Have Truly Found Paradiso.

Appendix I. A Recipe for Aged Foie Gras / French Toast

Rationale

Inspired by Taiwanese chef André Chang’s beeswax-aged duck foie gras, I modified this dish to instead start with fattier goose foie gras, and aged it directly in truffle honey and tawny port. The honey marinade and rendered foie gras were then used to prepare French toast.

Experimental Design

• Age foie gras – 2+ weeks
• Sear foie gras and chill
• Prepare French toast

Materials

• 1 foie gras
• some truffle honey
• some tawny port
• some brioche or sourdough
• 1 egg

Procedure

Aging foie gras

1. Mix truffle honey and tawny port to create manageable consistency.
2. Add foie gras to bag, seal and age for 2+ weeks.

Sear foie gras

3. Using a hot knife, cut a thick slice of foie gras. Consider that foie gras collapses in height when seared.
4. Score one side of the foie lightly.
5. Sear for 45 seconds on each side. Keep the rendered fat in the skillet.
6. Chill the foie in the freezer on a metal tray.

Prepare French toast

7. Cut brioche or sourdough into a strip.
8. Mix an egg with the foie gras marinade.
9. Soak bread in the marinade, then sear the bread in the rendered foie gras fat.
10. Sear until caramelized spots appear on the bread.
11. Serve foie gras cold and brioche hot.

September 2019

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, or that I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Homestuck and grilled tomatoes and calligraphy. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Splendor or Carcassonne, and if we get enough people we could play Modern Art. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. There’s this nice spot in the MIT tunnels with beautiful murals that animate when you point a camera at it. We can take the T to Faneuil Hall, cram ourselves into the hallways, and buy lunch together. We could head downtown Boston and window shop at Newbury; we could go to Prudential and complain about how expensive everything is.

We could cross Harvard Bridge at two in the morning. We could stare at the river and the stars, and watch electric reds and blues painted on the Boston skyline. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about my body, and it feels like I’m hovering over the water. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

January 2020

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, because I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Homestuck and grilled tomatoes and calligraphy. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Gizmos or Modern Art, and if we get enough people we could play Castlefall. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. There’s this nice spot in the MIT tunnels with beautiful murals that animate when you point a camera at it. We can take the T to Malden Center, and buy lunch at this Chinese place I know. We could head downtown Boston and window shop at Newbury; we could go to Prudential and complain about how expensive everything is.

We could cross Harvard Bridge at two in the morning. We could stare at the river and the stars, and watch electric reds and blues painted on the Boston skyline. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about my body, and it feels like I’m hovering over the water. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

March 2020

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live(d) in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, because I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about typography and grilled tomatoes and Esperanto. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Just One or Tractor, and if we get enough people we could play Castlefall. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. It’s a sign of aging, I guess, but I now think that staying all day in the Floor Pi lounge is an adventure. We can take the T to Harvard, and buy lunch at this Japanese barbecue place I love. Or we could head downtown Boston and window shop at Newbury; we could go to Prudential and complain about how expensive everything is.

We could cross Harvard Bridge at two in the morning. We could stare at the river and the stars, and watch electric reds and blues painted on the Boston skyline. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about my body, and it feels like I’m hovering over the water. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

August 2020

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, because I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about vexillology and mac and cheese and Tetris. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Coup or Singaporean Bridge, and if we get enough people we could play Castlefall. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could play Bomb Party or Drawphone or Skribbl. We could hop on a call and sing off-sync to background music. Or we could gather some friends, watch a movie, and we’ll laugh at each other’s reactions.

We can hop on a Zoom call until two in the morning. And we’ll talk about rivers, skyscrapers, and stars. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about the distance, and the screen, and it just feels like us, side-by-side, talking. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

December 2020

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I (used to) live in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, because I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Celeste and logic puzzles and Clover’s BLTs. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play NMBR 9 or Bomb Party, and if we get enough people we could play Sleepsort. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could stream video games for hours on a voice call. We can take turns reading paragraphs from cheesy fanfiction. Or we could gather some friends, watch a movie, and we’ll laugh at each other’s reactions.

We can hop on a Zoom call until two in the morning. And we’ll talk about rivers, skyscrapers, and stars. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about the distance, and the screen, and it just feels like us, side-by-side, talking. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

February 2021

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus. I could tell you that CJ is short for Carl Joshua, because I have two first names, because a lot of Filipinos have two first names.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Slay the Spire and semantics and Chipotle. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play War Chest or Quoridor, and if you convince me maybe we can even play Hanabi, but only if you convince me. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could stream video games for hours on a voice call. We can take turns reading paragraphs from cheesy fanfiction. Or we could gather some friends, watch a movie, and we’ll laugh at each other’s reactions.

We can hop on a Zoom call until two in the morning. And we’ll talk about rivers, skyscrapers, and stars. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about the distance, and the screen, and it just feels like us, side-by-side, talking. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

June 2021

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in Macgregor. (But I’d rather be in East Campus. Scratch that. I’d rather my room have a sink.)

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Luck be a Landlord and formal verification and rice cookers. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play The Shipwreck Arcana or Mascarade, and yes, that’s spelled Mascarade, with a C. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could stream video games for hours on a voice call. We can take turns reading paragraphs from cheesy fanfiction. Or we could gather some friends, watch a movie, and we’ll laugh at each other’s reactions.

We can hop on a Zoom call until two in the morning. And we’ll talk about rivers, skyscrapers, and stars. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about the distance, and the screen, and it just feels like us, side-by-side, talking. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

November 2021

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus (for not much longer, it seems).

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Monster Train and type theory and Domino’s. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Spirit Island or Lost Cities or Innovation. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could take a walk along Downtown Crossing and get lost on the way back. We could grab some Nerf guns and have a shootout in some empty classrooms. Or we could wear silly hats and take pictures together.

We can sit in the couch in my room until two in the morning. And we’ll talk about jobs, and anxieties, and the future. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about all the decisions I have to make, and for a night, it’d feel like I can stay at MIT forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

February 2022

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you that I’m an international student from the Philippines, or that I live in East Campus.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Stardew Valley and how email works and Clover. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Spirit Island or Go or Arboretum. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We could go to the Museum of Fine Arts and talk about all the artwork. We could go to a party and dance until two in the morning. Or we could go on a road trip, and I’ll try my best not to get motion sick.

We can sit in the lounge and watch a movie together. And we’ll talk about capitalism, and loneliness, and love. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about all the homework I have to do, and for a moment, it’d feel like I could live forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

June 2022

What does it take to get to know someone? One of the first things people ask me is where I’m from. Is it the Philippines, where I grew up and spent my high school in? Is it East Campus, the dorm I’ve come to call my home? Is it Mountain View, the city I’m living in for the summer? At once, it’s all of these, and none of these.

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Epic Battle Fantasy 5 and how Redux works and dumplings. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Castlefall or Beavers Against the Humanities or Aeon’s End. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We can ride the Caltrain for two hours and complain about public transportation in the Bay Area. We could spend all day in the Computer History Museum. Or I can give you a tour of the office I’m interning at, which, while mostly empty, has a lot of snacks.

We can go to an overpriced coffee shop and buy pastries. And we’ll talk about housing prices, and adulting, and medication. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about how tired I’m feeling, and for a moment, it’d feel like I could live forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

October 2022

What does it take to get to know someone? I could tell you my name (CJ), my year (’23), my course (18 and 6-3), my dorm (East Campus). I could give you a laundry list of fun facts. We can do all the icebreakers you want. Is that it?

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. We could talk for hours about Dicey Dungeons and meditation and monads. I’ll introduce you to some of my favorite board games. We can play Xoragrams or The Crew or Terraforming Mars. We could listen to music all afternoon, and I’ll tell you all about my favorite artists.

Or we could go on an adventure. We can go around Downtown Crossing and window shop at all the stores. We could spend all day in the Banana Lounge playing with all the art materials and eating bananas. Or I can give you a tour of the spiffy new admissions office, which has a lot of snacks.

We can go to a library and get one of the rooms. And we’ll talk, quietly, about grief, and big tech, and making friends. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about how tired I’m feeling, and for a moment, it’d feel like I could live forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

February 2023

What does it take to get to know someone? Here, I’ll tell you something you want to know, and something I want you to know. You probably want to know my name, CJ, or my class year, ’23, or where I’m living, East Campus. Here’s something I want you to know: I’m graduating in a semester, and that thought terrifies me, because I don’t think I’m ready for the real world just yet.

You probably want to know about the things I like. We could talk for hours about Vampire Survivors and interactive fiction and compiler optimization. Or maybe you want to know what board games I like? I like Roll for the Galaxy and 7 Wonders and NMBR 9. Here’s something I want you to know: I have a particular taste in music, and I can tell you about all my favorite artists.

Maybe you want to see some places I like. We could go to the ESP office in the Student Center, or the SIPB office just upstairs. We could walk down Revere Beach, and I’ll complain about how I hate getting sand on my feet. Or we could go to 66-110, my favorite lecture hall on campus, even if I’ve never taken a class there.

Here’s something I want to do. We’ll go to a random lounge. And we’ll talk about AI, and anxiety, and faith. And sometimes it gets quiet enough that I forget about how tired I’m feeling, and for a moment, it’d feel like I could live forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

May 2023

What does it take to get to know someone? A few words, a few sentences, a few pages, a whole book, more? From the fact you’re reading this, you already know a few things about me. My name is CJ, and I’m an MIT ’23. You can see my avatar, which is what I looked like, once. If you clicked Keep Reading to read the rest of this, you can see above that I’m in Courses 18 and 6-3, which are Mathematics and Computer Science. Is that it?

We could talk about the things I like, if that will help. My favorite video game genre is deckbuilding roguelike, like Backpack Hero, which I’ve been playing a lot of lately. More academic interests include model theory, dependent types, fan studies, and linguistic typology. I like Galaxy Trucker and Roll for the Galaxy, which, despite the similar names, are unrelated board games. I like pop music, for some definition of pop music.

Or we could go on an adventure. Many of my favorite places aren’t accessible right now because they’re in the Student Center: the ESP office, the SIPB office, La Verde’s. Lobdell and La Sala, W20-407. When East Campus will close for renovations later this summer, more of my favorite places will disappear: my old room, the TV Lounge, KL, my new room.

We can learn, experimentally, what exactly it takes to get to know someone. We can talk about institutional change and the meaning of distance. And maybe it’d get quiet enough that I forget about how tired I’m feeling, and for a moment, it’d feel like I could live forever. And maybe you’d feel the same way.

And then we could tell each other stories.

But until then, I hope you enjoy reading mine.

i have lots of things i could be doing and i am not doing any of them because i am too busy being sad and burnt out

i’ve been spending my time playing video games and walking around and being on voice calls and scrolling through wikipedia pages and getting information and not doing anything with it

i could be working on personal projects or gph or learning piano or packing or whatever

instead i am sitting and lying in bed and watching all my friends fade away from campus as i say final goodbyes because i am going out

(not with a bang but with a whimper)

I’ve had to make some substitutions to some songs not on Spotify.

Stats

• This is my 173rd post, so there’s an average of one song every 2.8 posts.
• The song mentioned the most is fun. – At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be), which is mentioned 3 times. The other two songs mentioned more than once are The Fray – How to Save a Life and Reese Lansangan – No Snow, both mentioned 2 times.
• The artist represented most is fun., which again shouldn’t be a surprise as I wrote a blog post named fun., with 6 distinct songs. The runners-up are Cheats and Munimuni, both with 3 songs.
• There’s 5 songs that are explicitly covers: Minsan, My Body Is a Cage, Dear Kuya, Mamma Mia, and Hurt.
• Of the 57 distinct songs, 41 are in English, 14 are in Tagalog, 1 is in Mandarin, and 1 has no lyrics.
• The post with the most songs is, unsurprisingly, How phonology explains wordplay in Tagalog songs, with 7 songs. Second-most is tied between we visited every station on the MBTA and list of things that refill my will to live, both with 4 songs.
• The longest I’ve gone without mentioning a song is 130 days, between posting Lies in MIT, lies about MIT in and unsubscribe. I think this is partly because this was the summer I had an internship.

The list

1. Ang Bandang Shirley – Maginhawa

From Colorful. My first post, and it’s one of the dozen or so posts I have that are structured around a song. I think I stole the format of taking song lyrics and placing them as section epigraphs from the days of Wattpad fanfiction, and despite never being a fanfic author myself, it stuck with me.

2. Coldplay – Speed of Sound

From Downtown. I’m surprised this is the only Coldplay song I’ve referenced. The Scientist is one of my top ten favorite songs, and A Sky Full of Stars, Yellow and Everglow also form part of my favorites. Then again, I’m not sure what I would’ve written around The Scientist.

3. Reese Lansangan – No Snow

From Little things. No Snow isn’t even in my top three Reese Lansangan songs, but it’s suitable for a lot of holiday season happenings.

4. Munimuni ( opb.⁠35 This means "originally performed by", which I’ve seen a lot in a capella concert programs over here. Eraserheads) – Minsan

From on friends / minsan. I’ve heard four recordings of Minsan. There’s the Eraserheads original, which is a good recording, but not my favorite. Eraserheads tribute album The Reunion has a cover from Callalily, which is pretty faithful to the original. The musical Ang Huling El Bimbo had a version I had the pleasure of listening to live, which is wonderful in context. But Munimuni’s cover adds a melancholy that matches what I feel about the song.

5. The Fray – How to Save a Life

From had i known how to save a life. I listened to this song so much in high school that I know it verbatim.

6. Michael Wong – 童话

From We made a website. This is a subtle mention, but enough that I included it. It’s Tóng Huà in pinyin, and Fairy Tale in English. It’s also ridiculously popular here. I don’t speak a word of Mandarin, but I can sing along to the chorus.

7. fun. – Be Calm
8. fun. – At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be)
9. fun. – Take Your Time (Coming Home)

From fun. At the time I called these my favorite fun. songs. I don’t think that’s true anymore; I’d put Barlights, The Gambler, Why Am I the One, Stars, and All Alright above these. Though maybe I’d put At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be) higher up. Anyway, the point is I love fun., and while I’m sad they’re on hiatus, the later works of Nate Ruess and Jack Antonoff are cool too.

10. Oh, Flamingo! – Naubos Na

From soulsearching / naubos na. I was struck that the music video was released at the same time I had the beginning of my career crisis. Oh, Flamingo! is the only artist in this list I’ve seen live not once, but twice, and I love them so much. If I had the time, I might’ve written about Pag-Ibig Lang Ba or Anino. If Pagtanda was out at the time I wrote How phonology explains wordplay in Tagalog songs, it’d get an entry for the pun pagtanda “to get older” and pagtanda “remembrance”.

11. Eraserheads – Ang Huling El Bimbo

From Back to back to back. Another quick mention. Ang Huling El Bimbo is one of those ridiculously popular songs nationwide, owing to the lasting influence of the Eraserheads on Filipino music. It’s their most popular song, one I’m comfortable enough singing for a crowd, because I can bet someone will sing along. It’s my karaoke go-to.

12. Reese Lansangan – For The Fickle

From Your first last day. For The Fickle is a song I strongly associate with goodbyes. The song isn’t primarily about that; it’s about a relationship on the ropes. But the line “All my life has been about / Waiting for people to go” hits so hard. It’s also the saddest-sounding song on this list.

13. Original Broadway Cast of Next to Normal – Who’s Crazy / My Psychopharmacologist And I

From next to normal. I’m not a huge musical person, but I got recommended the song and I still think of it from time to time about my depression.

14. Kodaline – Sometimes
15. Ourselves the Elves – Uncertainly

From uncertainly. Sometimes I throw a song into a post for the sake of making a post, you know? Uncertainly, like For The Fickle, is another song I associate with goodbyes, and being sad.

16. fun. – At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be)

From at least i’m not as sad as i used to be. This is the second mention of At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be), and it gets a dedicated post this time. Someone sent me an email about this post once, saying they cried after reading it. I still read it from time to time.

17. Ang Bandang Shirley – Alam Mo Ba? (Ang Gulo)

From non-stop / walang hinto. I was in an Ang Bandang Shirley phase when I first listened to Alam Mo Ba? (Ang Gulo). Other songs I like are Nakauwi Na, Di Na Babalik, and Umaapaw. And Maginhawa, the song that lent itself to my first post.

18. Peter Gabriel (opb. Arcade Fire) – My Body Is a Cage

From in remembrance of the body. Another cover. I first heard it used in an episode of TV series Dark. The dynamics in this one are great, and remind me of Somebody That I Used to Know.

19. The Ransom Collective – Present Tense

From present tense. Like Coldplay, The Ransom Collective is another band that I love but haven’t used in my writing as much. Probably because most of their songs have this adventurous tone. Present Tense is one of the exceptions, along with Something Better, which I’ve been meaning to write a post about for a while now.

20. Rusty Machines – Forget You

From Ridiculous things I’ve been up to. This is a subtle mention, but my laptop is named after Rusty Machines so I felt the need to link to one of their songs. Every song on their EP City Lights is great, so I picked Forget You. The other contender was Can’t Hardly Wait.

21. Taylor Swift – Death By A Thousand Cuts

From Twenty thousand paper cuts. This isn’t mentioned or linked in the body of the post at all, but it was definitely the song I was thinking of while I was writing this post. I didn’t include it because the tone felt too cheerful, but the lyrics are good.

22. Cavetown – Hug All Ur Friends

From it’s thanksgiving or something. I love this song because of the music video. Enough said.

23. The Kingston Trio – M.T.A.
24. Billy Joel – We Didn’t Start the Fire
25. Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton – The Schuyler Sisters
26. Dave Soldier – The Most Unwanted Song

From we visited every station on the MBTA. This was my joint post with Alan Z. ’23. We mentioned these songs in the body of the post. They fall in this weird category of “technically mentioned in one of my posts, but not relevant,” which we’ll only see more of later.

27. Lena Raine – Resurrections

From Celeste. The only song on this list without lyrics. I play lots of video games, but none have been noteworthy enough to get their music mentioned or linked, except Celeste. That’s how much I love the music.

28. Cheats – Milk

From where is home? Why is this song titled Milk? Who knows. The album it’s in, houseplants, is the one album of a song in this list that I will listen to without skipping. The other Cheats album, Before the Babies, is also something I’ll listen to without skipping. Their first album, though, I’d skip maybe half the songs. But the rest of their songs are bangers.

29. The B-52’s – Rock Lobster

From Two hundred puzzles, fifty weeks later. Did you know that to hunt with Galactic Trendsetters you need to know the lyrics of Rock Lobster by heart? This is a fact I made up, but it’s funny so I’ll keep saying it.

30. The New Pornographers – Whiteout Conditions

From whiteout conditions. I learned of The New Pornographers through Vincent H. ’23, who got me to listen to Adventures in Solitude back in late 2020. I love The New Pornographers because of how upfront A. C. Newman is about his depression, and you can hear it in Whiteout Conditions and Adventures in Solitude.

31. fun. – Carry On
32. fun. – Barlights
33. The Fray – How to Save a Life
34. Sleeping At Last – Saturn

From list of things that refill my will to live. I’m not sure whether I first learned of Sleeping At Last through Jason C. ’22 or Jeffery Y. ’22, but I’m glad I got introduced to it. Strangely enough, my favorite songs from Sleeping At Last are from the album Covers, Vol. 2, like the cover of Chasing Cars or Make You Feel My Love.

35. Imagine Dragons – Demons

From demons. This song isn’t referred to directly in the post, but it was on loop the whole time I worked on it. Demons is my favorite song, period. I wish I could hit the high notes. It’s not even that deep; the message of acknowledging and battling your insecurities is almost spelled out in the lyrics, and is an idea that’s in lots of other songs. But the comparison to demons is especially meaningful to me because of my upbringing.

36. fizzd (ft. Yeo) – wish i could care less

From eternal dissatisfaction. This is a song from Rhythm Doctor, a game I picked up again two weeks ago. It’s the first song on the list I couldn’t find on Spotify, so I replaced it with another song from Rhythm Doctor, Invisible. It’s my favorite song on Rhythm Doctor, and I’m sure every creative has shared the struggle of wanting to produce more work.

37. Cueshé – Ulan

From Rain by any other name. Now that I’m reading the post again, I realize that I also mention Aegis – Basang-Basa sa Ulan in this post, and even quote some lyrics. Oops. I’m too lazy to update the playlist or the stats. If you see any other songs I miss you should let me know lmao.

38. Waterparks – I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore

From everything is actually going okay. I love this song because it’s so blunt. The lyrics “I miss having sex but at least I don’t wanna die / Anymore, and I think that’s pretty cool” leave no room for misinterpretation. I hear the song got viral on TikTok a few years ago?

39. Reese Lansangan – No Snow

From No Snow, and on singing badly. This is an embarrassing post. I think that’s the point.

40. Idina Menzel – Let It Go

From Two hundred puzzles, fifty people later. There’s a video, buried somewhere in this post, of me doing a lipsync to this song. It’s only mildly less embarrassing than my cover.

41. Ebe Dancel (opb. Sugarfree) – Dear Kuya

From dear kuya. I made the subtitle “i promise this post is mostly in english” but then I put the post in the category “Blogs That Aren’t in English”. Haha, I’m so funny. I always wish I could write more posts in that category, but the inspiration was hard to come by. Dear Kuya’s a song I was sitting on for a while before I wrote the post, which was triggered by events that were happening at the time.

42. The Cab – These Are The Lies

From Lies in MIT, lies about MIT. The song isn’t super related to the post at all lol. I mean, they’re both about lies, and that’s it. It’s a good song though.

43. Austin Weber (opb. ABBA) – Mamma Mia

From unsubscribe. Subtle reference, because it only appears as a link to a YouTube video in the beginning. You should read here i go again, Alan Z. ’23’s post about the song, and maybe the movie too I guess.

44. Bleachers – I Wanna Get Better

From Becoming a better programmer. Another song that isn’t too related to the post, but I like the song so I shoehorned it in. This falls in the category of Nate Ruess and Jack Antonoff post-fun. songs that I like, which includes Rollercoaster and Harsh Light.

45. Cheats – Sleepist

From senioritis. As much as I wanted to use We Got Work To Do, it didn’t fit the vibes.

46. Munimuni – Tahanan
47. Munimuni – Bukas Makalawa
48. Moira Dela Torre – Titibo-Tibo
49. Cheats – Tawid
50. Coeli – Magkaibgan O Magka-Ibigan
51. Autotelic – Laro
52. Autotelic – Languyin

From How phonology explains wordplay in Tagalog songs. To be honest, part of the motivation for that post was so I could up my count of “songs I’ve mentioned in posts I’ve written”.

53. Jeremy Zucker – all the kids are depressed
54. fun. (ft. Janelle Monáe) – We Are Young

From beautiful moments. all the kids are depressed is indirectly referenced by the subtitle; I was thinking of the line “I think too much, we drink too much / Falling in love like it’s just nothing” when I wrote that. One of my favorite moments working for 6.390 Introduction to Machine Learning is, while grading an exam, I was humming all the kids are depressed, and someone next to me was like, woah, you’re a Jeremy Zucker fan?

55. Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

From ice skating. It’s funny.

56. Johnny Cash (opb. Nine Inch Nails) – Hurt

From everyone i know goes away in the end. Like My Body Is a Cage, I first heard this song from a TV show, Person of Interest. “Everyone I know / Goes away in the end” has the same vibes as “All my life has been about / Waiting for people to go”, but I was like, wait, I already wrote a post about that song.

57. Clara Benin – Parallel Universe

From CMU / Parallel Universe. As explained in 17 Ridiculously Useful Tips Every Blogger Should Know, part of the point of this post was to be a parody of my own writing. The song didn’t end up being as forced as I wanted it to be, but that’s fine I guess.

58. Ken Ashcorp – Hey There, Would You Like To Talk About Homestuck?

From Happy Homestuck Day! Subtle reference, hidden behind a link. Also, the link was ninja’d in after I realized I hadn’t linked to a Homestuck fandom song, which is an important part of Homestuck. Trust me. Couldn’t find the song on Spotify, so I replaced it with another important Homestuck fandom song, Karkalicious. Homestuck is strange because it’s one of those works that’s differently understood in the context of the fandom. Recommended, but not recommended, I dunno.

59. fun. – At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used to Be)

From Circles, circles, circles. Passing mention, but this is the third time I mentioned this song, and thus the song I’ve referred to the most through my blog posts.

60. Imagine Dragons – Birds
61. Ben&Ben – Branches

From branches. I’ve been sitting on this post for so long that graduation crept up on me, and I realized that if I wasn’t going to post it soon, I’ll never post it. It’s the same as this post, where I’m realizing how fast I need to finish all my drafts if I want to post them before I graduate. Dear gods, be gentle with me.

two games i have been thinking about. one, the witness, which is about the meaningless search for truth or objective reality or illusion or whatever. two, everything, which the author intended as a “feel good” game about interconnectedness, arguing against the alienation of self from the rest of the universe, and yet is filled with bleak existential thoughts. if you’ve seen everything everywhere all at once, the rock scene was apparently inspired by everything.

ben&ben has a song called branches, and when i listen to it i imagine mit as the singer and me as the listener. the verse describes the singer as a fire for the cold listener. compares themselves to a river and the listener to a dove. but then the dove has to fly away. there’s something about birds and breakup songs; i think about imagine dragons’s birds, which has a beautiful music video.

i’m not a fan of psychological horror games like ddlc, which is why i still haven’t played omori even though my friends highly recommend it. of a different taste is existential dread, like the talos principle or nier automata or outer wilds or the stanley parable or the beginner’s guide, which i’m more fine with but still need to brace myself for. everything comes close to evoking existential dread, but the silly anthropomorphism prevents it from being too bad. i wouldn’t call everything a feel good game.

i’m working on my first large code project in a while with a few other people, and already we’ve spawned many branches of our repository. the idea of a branch is that you can develop it on its own but eventually branches get merged into a main branch. progress ever trots forward.

there’s been this saga on the random hall mailing list about bowls being “stolen” between floors. one reply says “images can theoretically be faked but the lack of bowls is tangible and real.” a bowl is a bowl is a bowl.

in the song branches, the chorus isn’t directed to the listener, but to the singer themselves, as a reassurance that things will be okay even if the listener has left. but this feels at odds: isn’t the singer the one who’s the fire, and the listener the one who needs to be warmed? isn’t the singer the river, who will flow eternally, even without the birds that drink from it? so why does the singer have to reassure themselves, when it should be the listener who will be more hurt by leaving?

the future versions of lives i can live will not merge into a single, uber-version of myself that includes all possible good things in all my futures. i can see so many of them, blooming in different directions, branching out. but the best i can hope for is taking all the lessons from my past, my single-threaded, only-one-possible past. the best i can hope for is to work so that as many of my future branches as possible are worlds i will be happy living in, and i can maneuver so to make this possible.

i will graduate and become a software engineer, a frontend developer for the same place i worked at last summer, for they offered me a return offer and i accepted it. i asked to work in the new york office, for i didn’t like the bay area as much as i thought. in another world i could’ve gone back to work in san francisco. in another world i could’ve applied elsewhere for work. in another world i could be doing a masters here in mit and stay for another year with all the people i am leaving behind, and then maybe i wouldn’t feel so lost, wouldn’t feel like i am leaving so much, so many, behind. but that is not the branch my program has taken.

in the same way that as humans we can feel alienated from the rest of the universe, surrounded by our own skin as people living in it, i can exist in mit and yet feel alienated from it. interconnectedness cannot exist without bleak existential thoughts.

perhaps the singer needs the listener as much as the other way around. perhaps the fire needs the person to warm, else it is meaningless. perhaps the river needs thirst to quench, else it is meaningless. everything is interconnected, after all. yet, the chorus of birds: “i know that ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh / birds fly in different directions.”

a game i have been playing recently is slay the spire. there is a relic called a singing bowl. it refers to singing bowls used in some religious practices. they make a sound when you rotate a soft mallet around its rim. they don’t have a spiritual significance; it is to give something to focus on. it could be replaced with any other steady sound. a singing bowl is special, but it is merely a bowl, and a bowl is a bowl is a bowl.

the other day i went to the mit awards ceremony and accepted the compton prize, awarded for “achievements in citizenship and devotion to the welfare of mit”. it is nice to know that not only have i taken from mit, but i have also given back to it, as a citzen, a member of its community, for this is the privilege that is awarded to me and i want to do something about it. because mit isn’t a place, mit exists because the people who are in it work to make it exist. for what point is there to a fire without someone to warm? what point is there to an institute without people who will learn from it? mit works because we do. hence the chorus of branches: “my, my heart is my own / i carry on, i carry on.”

in the million million possible worlds of classes and extracurriculars i could’ve mixed and matched, in some of them i am happy, i am finding joy and love taking the things i want to take. different people do different things for fun. last semester i took a class where we wrote compilers, and to compile a program you must analyze its control flow to some extent. you must think about how its branches can flow and loop and lead into other branches. i liked that class, i did not like it as much as i could’ve, i found more joy doing other things, and we all can do the things that makes us happiest.

it is not inherently bad to be privileged, it is what you make of it. and yet, do i want to advance the narrative that an mit graduate must use their education to make the world as best as they possibly could? i want to be able to say, it is okay if you only save one person, and it is okay if that person is yourself. how can i believe that, and at the same time believe that, as someone who’s had the exceptional privilege of being in mit, i am somewhat compelled to pay it back?

i have thought about the fig tree quote from sylvia plath’s the bell jar too many times. i have quoted it before and i will quote it again:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

“meaningless! meaningless!” says the teacher. “utterly meaningless! everything is meaningless.” the prechorus to birds echoes this, “everything is temporary / everything will slide.” ecclesiastes opens with existential questions, and answers that the point is to enjoy life, for these are the gifts of god. like the witness or everything, it is unclear to me whether ecclesiastes is something meant to reduce my existential dread or increase it.

the shape of the compton prize is a bowl. a plain, unadorned metal bowl. after the awards ceremony i filled it with the candied nuts they had at the reception. it’s a trophy. it’s sacrilege? it’s merely a bowl. a shiny bowl, but merely a bowl. and a bowl is a bowl is a bowl.

will i do good, in the company i will work for? will i contribute to the world? am i making good use of the education given to me, could i be doing better? but part of the maintenance mindset is thinking about how i can be the best fit given the context i am in. i’m not working for another company or doing grad school, so is there a point thinking about how i could be doing better if i was doing something else? maybe?

in branches, before the chorus, the singer asks: “oh love / was it easy to let go?”

The other day my therapist asked me about when I get depressive episodes. And I said that I got them after I’d come home from class, or after a meeting, when I’d come back to my room after a long day of being outside with friends. It’s not that anything in particular triggers it. I’ll be sitting in front of my computer doing work, and then I’d be struck with an inexplicable sadness, filling my body like helium. All the energy would leave me and I’d lie on my bed, staring into space, thinking about how worthless I felt, or how pointless this all was, and how maybe it’d be better if I didn’t wake up this morning.

I once told my psychiatrist that it’s awful how the episodes have the most convenient timings. Never before a call I have to be on or a class I have to go to. When a friend was sleeping over, it started in the afternoon and ended an hour before he came back. It doesn’t interfere with my schedule, or the work that needs to get done, but it does mean I never have a therapy session happening an hour after a breakdown.

Good that I have things scheduled, then. Good that I know how to fill my weeknights and weekends with things to do and meetings to go to. SIPB on Mondays, Squares on Tuesdays, ESP on Wednesdays, ET on Thursdays. A cappella concerts and worksessions and game nights. Because having something on the calendar keeps me happy, literally. Then what happens when the summer hits, when I graduate, when I move out of Boston? I’m scared that I’m going to leave this place and I won’t have things to do and then I’ll spend most of my time being depressed in my room.

The last time I had my weekly cadence torn apart was when the pandemic first hit. And that was a bad time for me. Looking at the posts I made at the time, at least i’m not as sad as i used to be or warmth, or next to normal, there’s a lot of sadness. Also, no kidding, I was listening to At Least I’m Not as Sad (As I Used to Be) while writing this post, and it’s a vibe. Yeah, things are better now that I have things in my schedule again, but I know that won’t last.

The other day Andrew L. ’22 visited MIT, and I told him about this, and he said that knowing me, I’ll find other things to do. New York is a big city, right? I’ll find something to go to, or set up something myself. I mean, that might be true, who knows? It’s different without the infrastructure of being in college though, when there’s a huge event in the beginning of the year with hundreds of student groups actively trying to recruit you. Either way, I’m leaving all these circles I’m in, and I’m going to have to find new ones.