After four years here at MIT, I am finally graduating. I have a lot of mixed feelings on graduating. On one hand, I’m nervous. I’m terrified to leave MIT. How do you make new friends as a new grad? What if I have no friends? What if I hate my job? What if my roommates don’t like me? How are you gonna tell me I’m just going to need to be an adult for the rest of my life now?
But on the other hand, I know that this chapter of my life is done and that in order to grow we need to put ourselves in uncomfortable positions and this is a necessary step towards growth.
Regardless of that, though, the irrational part of my brain has just been set to panic. I’m afraid to graduate. I don’t know what this summer looks like. And I’ve been trying to convince myself that that’s okay, because it is okay, and things will be okay, but it’s hard to know things will be okay when I’m not…in the okay.
But then I think back to where I was four years ago and how far I’ve come. I couldn’t have anticipated any of this — any of the things I’ve accomplished or seen or done. And so I’m trying really, really, really fucking hard to embrace the unknown, to open my arms out to it and welcome what the universe has in store for me.
This Saturday, I officially move to New York City. I have no plans, no itinerary, no agenda (well, until August, at least) and for the first time in my life and I will be simply doing whatever the world pushes me to do.
Despite the fear and the nervousness, I do have a lot of hopes for this summer. I’m excited to explore New York. I want to eat good food and explore the clubs and bars. I want to continue crocheting (did I mention I picked up crocheting?) and learn how to embroider. I want to cook and bake a lot more. I want to read more books and write a lot more and and and
I just have a lot of things I want to do, which reminds me of my blogger application back from July of 2019. In this application, I wrote a sample blogpost in response to the prompt ‘What is your current obsession?”
Here’s that blogpost:
in the beginning of the summer, i made this long list of things i was gonna do to improve myself and “glo up”
but unfortunately, my arch nemesis who i thought i had defeated in may began to manifest itself into ways never known before. high school had returned to haunt me and had conditioned me to believe that if i’m not going to be the best, then what’s the point in doing it? and in this singular thanos snap, my motivation was gone in the wind.
so instead of doing all the things listed above, i decided to procrastinate by turning to my holy grail: the sims 4.
the only people who play the sims 4 as much as i do are the ones who
- want to torture virtual people to let out their turmoil in a supposed controlled, safe manner
- live vicariously through their sims to feel less guilty about their actual life
spoiler alert: im the latter,,,thats me, folks!
thats how cami tdoog came to life – the sim version of me that is not only an accomplished surgeon, but also good at all of these things too:
she’s basically the ideal version of me, a version of myself that’s smart, athletic, and a cooking kween. (she also brings home BIG bucks for the kids so they should be grateful,)
originally, i went to the sims to escape responsibility and wallow in self pity as i watch her cook eggs benedict while i struggled to even fry an egg. but, funnily enough, watching my sim grow in her skills actually..motivated me to start doing the things i said i’d do.
for the past week or so, i’ve been watching my sim grow her talents. from starting house fires with her horrendous cooking to making dinner every night for our family with finesse, the sims helped me come to the somewhat painfully obvious conclusion that ~with practice comes perfect~.
to be honest, it was inspiring to see cami tdoog grow into the accomplished woman she is today. with a few clicks of my mouse, i put her to work. gym, cooking, handywork. and yeah, she definitely struggled. after about an hour at the gym she was ready to pass out, but now, she’s a gym rat. i realized that i could be cami tdoog if i really tried. i didn’t have to keep longingly looking at a screen and envy a freakin’ sim.
so i got my sh*t together. i whipped out my unused bullet journal and started making plans. in the back of my head, there still was a bit of fear lingering. what if what i do ends up being bad?
but then i remembered cami tdoog. and she had the firefighters over at our house three times and maybe spent 5000 simoleons on repairs and she still cooked, so i’m gonna do it no matter the outcome.
this month, i’ve been doing everything i wanted to do.
i painted my first painting in the past three years.
i started learning how to cook and bake [cause i signed up for only cook for yourself dorms HAHAHahAh catch me starvin!!]
i started singing again and revived my dead youtube channel to document my progress because i am a sucker for progression!
i’m boxing? and dancing? and doing all the things i never had time for before and it is so, so fulfilling. i can almost feel the invisible skill meter bar above my head fill with that coveted green color.
so cami tdoog, this is my love letter to you. thank you for inspiring me to stop watching and start doing. i may not become a world famous surgeon like you, but at least i can cook a fried egg without burning my own home down.
I have gotten better at cooking. And guitar and piano and singing. And I actually do consistently go to the gym now. So I really feel like I’ve come far.
Seeing this blogpost…the excitement that I have when it comes to new hobbies and wondering what my future has in store for me, I feel that all coming back now that I’m moving to a new place.
So yes, the future is. Incredibly incredibly scary. I am terrified. But also, looking back on eager dumb prefrosh Cami reminds me that there’s so much I have yet to learn and discover about myself.
So here is to graduation! And to my summer in New York!